Aries (March 21-April 19): Your sign, Aries, is characterized by the ram: a strong, fearless warrior. However, if you don’t stop fearlessly downing strong alcoholic beverages before each class, the only ram you’ll be seeing is the 1997 Dodge Ram pick-up truck of your future husband named Bubba. Git-R-Done.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Gluttony is one of your major weaknesses, Taurus. In order to keep up your girlish figure, remember this valuable piece of advice: Pizza is a food, not a lifestyle. Please take all of the local pizza delivery guys off of your speed dial. NOW.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Your obsession with your economics professor will finally go public after you perfectly recite your marriage vows aloud while sleeping in class. Your heartfelt delivery was admirable, but that part about naming your children after Harry Potter characters was a little weird…
Cancer (June 21-July 22): College is a time for finding yourself, dear Cancer. And by finding yourself, I don’t mean waking up to find yourself in the fetal position in one of the Parkside library study rooms. In unrelated news, those aspirin your roommate gave you weren’t really aspirin…
Leo (July 23-August 22): It behooves you to focus on your academic studies this week by dusting off those textbooks. And by “textbooks”, I don’t mean stealing the notebook of the girl who sits next to you while she has her back turned. Or do I?
Virgo (August 23-September 22): Your hypochondriac tendencies will go too far this week, Virgo, after you convince yourself that you’ve contracted that pesky brain-eating amoeba thing that’s been going around. All the Vitamin C and hand sanitizer in the world can’t save you now!
Libra (September 23-October 22): Keeping up appearances is very important to you, sweet Libra. Take off that makeup and let your inner beauty shine. No one is even looking at the gigantic crater on your face. Oh, that was a pimple? Ouch…
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): We all love a good 90s flashback, but you’re going to be kissing your grades goodBye Bye Bye if you don’t pause the iPod and hit the books. Lance isn’t playing for your team anymore, anyway. And he was all of our favorites, wasn’t he?
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Everyone loves to flirt, right? Just make sure you weigh your options before sitting down on the lap of that handsome stranger. Was that his girlfriend next to him? We’ll get the ice pack ready.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Halloween came early for you this year, Capricorn! Have you taken a look at your life lately? Love prospects, grades, finances. Your future is looking pretty scary.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Remember last time we told you to make friends with Pisces? That was a lie. Neptune and Venus are performing a mating ritual in the sky, indicating your romantic interests with Aries.
Pisces (February 19-March 20): Still, you should really stay away from Aquarius.