Student finds dimensional portal

Student stumbles into basement pond; gains full scholarship and a new friend


On Wednesday, February 13, an unknowing UW-Parkside student decided to take the apocalypse tunnels underneath the school to avoid the snowfall, thinking he would have less chance of slipping.

Thomas Peterson was wrong

“I thought it was oil at first, then I realized it was water,” the student said. “There was even green algae growing in it and I thought I spotted some tiny goldfish swimming in the gunk… So, I reached to grab one. Right after that is when I noticed the sign on the wall looked a bit different – the arrow was facing the opposite way.”

Thomas described falling into the tunnel’s pond like slipping off a wet wooden deck into a lukewarm swimming pool. The lava lamp-colored water had a faint chemical smell to it, due to it possibly being created from a dripping pipe above. He went on to describe how he tried to lean against the concrete wall to try to brace himself, stepped out of the overgrown puddle and went on to walk to class. The student tried his best to ignore the damp, bleach-like scent on his clothes while attempting to focus on copying down the lecture notes before his philosophy professor rushed to the next slide.

“I saw the orange fish maybe four slides into the presentation. The tail was flopping over the zipper on the smallest pocket of my black pack. I didn’t know what to do. I ended up putting it in my water bottle on the desk. The weird part is, the kid next to me didn’t say anything.”

Somehow, this dedicated student continued with the rest of his day as scheduled. He had the Down Home meal at the Brickstone; potatoes and beans, caught up with friends, studied in his nook overlooking the woods at the library and even remembered not to drink from his water bottle. Thomas then went online to pay his spring tuition, crossing his fingers that he wouldn’t have to sell them at the black-market to pay for his five classes.

“That’s when I really knew something was up. All my classes had been paid for. Amount owed was at zero dollars. ‘No outstanding fees at this time’. Couldn’t be real. I knew I had to go back to the pond.”


The pond was right where he left it, only looking a little cleaner this time. He thought that it was created by rainwater in the alternate UW-Parkside, a much more forgiving one. Thomas, with a bit more grace this time, climbed into the pond, held his breath and came up the other side. He shared his story the following Friday at a table on the Bridge. His only complaint was that his roommate, Josh, didn’t like the new fish.

UW-Parkside Spirit Week 2019

The one they shall talk about for generations


With the weekend approaching, we say goodbye to another Spirit Week. Among the staple highlights were, of course, the durian eating contest and the gnushk-a-thon, but we here at the Ranger News thought it would be fun to go back through our favorite experiences.

A proper send off

One very fast favorite was obviously the Bubble Bowl II. Thanks to the cruel bait-and-switch at the halftime show of Superbowl LIII, fans of the Stephen Hillenburg era of the show “Spongebob Squarepants” were left without a tribute to this monumental mariner. Mr. Hillenburg can finally rest in peace, however, thanks to the wonderful halftime performance at the sportsball game last Friday. Enormous accolades go to our marine biology and music departments for collaborating in their effort to not only catch the 128-fish orchestra, but also to get them show-ready in such a short amount of time.

The dress-up days

Of course, one simply cannot have a proper Spirit Week without the dress-up days. Monday’s “Favorite Vegetable Day” was entertainingly successful; nobody could have anticipated the sheer number of people that happened to own an eggplant costume.

The same goes for Tuesday with “Celebrity Day.” Who would have thought Richard Simmons was held in such high regard by dozens upon dozens of college students?

One of the most astounding discoveries had to be this school’s love for Clementine Paddleford, a food writer who worked for the “New York Herald Tribune” back in the 1930’s. For “Hero Day” on Wednesday, no less than HALF the entire student population sported some sort of submarine sandwich memorabilia.

And of course, it is unlikely anybody is ever going to forget “SCP Day,” which took place on Thursday. Due to the sudden [DATA REDACTED] that caused a pair of freshman boys to accidentally [DATA REDACTED] and subsequently release SCP-[DATA REDACTED] into the building, it is unlikely that that particular theme will ever be repeated. On a more positive note, the remaining biology professors have finally figured out a way to reverse the [DATA REDACTED], so at the very least, everybody’s eyebrows should return to normalcy within the next few weeks.

Horoscopes 2/20/2019


Today is the day, Aries. You’ve been waiting so long, and with such patience, but it has finally, finally come. You’ve been here for five years, but today you will figure out who your academic advisor is and fight them. That’s how you graduate, right?


You have a question you’re yearning to ask. Today you will realize that there are stupid questions.


You’ve been painting your nails, but they never dry. Once they dry, they chip. You patch the paint job. It takes three more hours to dry. You gingerly open your textbook and there, on the page, is a chip of nail polish.


You are so dedicated to horoscopes that you read into your own and found out you were dramatic. Thrilled to be learning so much about yourself, you applied to Parkside for drama classes. You’ve failed all your classes last semester. Your mom will call today. She wants to tell you the news, the news she should have told you ages ago. You see, you’re adopted–and a Virgo.


Today you will get a call from your doctor. It appears you always were supposed to be a twin, you just never let the other one out.


You tried to help others last week and it went disastrously. To achieve perfection in helping others, the secret is to never offer help, and to vanish into the shadows when asked for it. You have already perfected doing nothing.


Your life is a balancing act, one tip from any side and you will come crumbling to the ground. I offer you no tips.


You have it all planned, every day. You’ve done it, you absolute madman, you’ve planned your whole life out down to the very second. Oh, what an achievement! But… oh dear, it’s appeared you skipped next Tuesday! All sixty-seven remaining years of your life are off kilter! I suppose you’ll just have to throw it all out and start over.


You’ve studied the noble grizzly bear and have decided to try it. You’ve decided to hibernate until next fall.


You’re angry about the planet, you really are. But fear not! There is a list of the people who have destroyed it, and you are smart enough to find their addresses too.


You decided to go off, to go on one of those exchange student trips! No one ever told you, though, that there is a no return policy on your exchange.


You deserve a break. Sleep through your classes today (if you glue on googly eyes, they’ll never notice).

Adjusting to UW-Parkside

Tips for transfer students getting used to their new life as a Parkside Ranger


Transferring schools is difficult: you need to make friends all over, you need to get acquainted with all your professors, and-especially if you are in a smaller major-you get that feeling of being the stranger intruding upon tight knit social grips that have already been established. As someone who has transferred universities themselves – I completely understand that feeling. And that is why, in order to ease some of those feelings of anxiety, I came up with a list of tips to help as you adjust to your new school environment.

Joining an organization

I get it; you probably think that joining a student org is dumb and childish, or you just do not have any time to do so on top of school work. Which is completely fair, and I felt the same way when I was a Freshman and a Sophomore. But through joining an organization at UW-Parkside, I was able to meet some of my closest friends and lost some of the feelings of being an outsider.

Get to know your professors

Contrary to popular belief, your instructors are actually people and have lives outside of their classrooms. Actually go to their office hours (if you can) and talk with them. Not only will they be able to help you with your coursework, but they are also all interesting people to get to know. If you get along well with one of your professors, they may let you do independent research with them, which would both look really good on a resume for getting a job after college or if you want to go on to master’s school.

Talk to your classmates

Your college experience is what you make it. If you just want your college experience to just be going to class, going home, and hanging out with the same friends you had from high school, then by all means go for it. However, if you want it to be a time where you meet new people and form or join new social groups, then you need to take some initiative on your part. Your classmates will not bite, and if anything, are probably as shy as you to start a conversation so they likely will not judge you at all.

Transferring schools can be scary, no matter what level of schooling you are in. Hopefully with my tips though, the transition to being a UW-Parkside student will be a little easier for you, and maybe you will get more enjoyment out of your college experience.


From clavichord to piano

Pianist demonstrates a variety of keyboard music on different historical pianos

Fumi Nishikori-Nakayama performs on various pianos     COURTESY OF UW-PARKSIDE


On Friday, Feb. 8 at 12:00 p.m., the UW-Parkside Music Department and the College of Arts and Humanities collaborated to put on the first Noon Concert Series of the semester entitled: “Clavichord to Piano: Keyboard Music through the Ages”. The event was led by Fumi Nishikori-Nakayama, an adjunct faculty member of both the Carthage Music Department and the UW-Parkside Music Department. The event was designed to both show different examples of keyboard music ranging from the 17th century to the 19th century and showing the differences in sound between the original instruments they were written for and a modern-day piano.

Instruments and pieces

Nakayama started the event with showing a piece written for clavichord by William Byrd entitled “All in a Garden Grine”. The clavichord is a striking instrument, making it the “grandfather of the modern piano,” as Nakayama described. The clavichord and the next instrument she showed, the Harpsichord, are both instruments used during the Middle Ages. One major difference between the two instruments, however, is that harpsichord is a plucking instrument instead of a striking instrument. Additionally, the clavichord is not designed for projecting its sound for an entire concert hall like the harpsichord.

The other two keyboards that were shown were the fortepiano and the piano. The fortepiano came into usage in the early 18th century and was used until the 19th century. Compositions by Beethoven and Schubert that were originally made for the fortepiano were played on it to give an insight into how it would have closer sounded for the time period. When discussing the sound of the fortepiano, one member in the audience, Patricia Fish, a piano performance major at UW-Parkside, described that “the fortepiano sounds like you’re listening to a piano in a sewer.” What Patricia was specifically referring to when she said this the tone of the reverb of the fortepiano compared to the piano.

This particular entry in the Noon Concert Series allowed for people to be introduced to pieces of music that they may not normally listen to as a way to possibly expand their taste in music. In addition, playing these pieces on their original instruments let the audience get an idea of what the compositions would have sounded like when there originally written.

Come to the Noon Concert series to support artists, to preserve these musical pieces in the modern moment, and to embrace a musical culture that doesn’t usually get the spotlight.