Aries (March 21-April 19): Your sign, Aries, is characterized by the ram: a strong, fearless warrior. However, if you don’t stop fearlessly downing strong alcoholic beverages before each class, the only ram you’ll be seeing is the 1997 Dodge Ram pick-up truck of your future husband named Bubba. Git-R-Done.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Gluttony is one of your major weaknesses, Taurus. In order to keep up your girlish figure, remember this valuable piece of advice: Pizza is a food, not a lifestyle. Please take all of the local pizza delivery guys off of your speed dial. NOW.

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Aries (March 21-April 19): Take heart, young Aries! Literally, the only way for you to make it through this school year is by performing an ancient Aztec ritual in which you eat one of your classmates’ hearts, using the Student Center stairway as a substitute for an ancient Aztec pyramid. Bon appétit.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Keep a watchful eye this week, Taurus, as your fear of people in cuddly mascot costumes will finally be realized when Ranger Bear follows you unawares into the school bathroom, and everywhere else for that matter.

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