Aries (March 21-April 19): Take heart, young Aries! Literally, the only way for you to make it through this school year is by performing an ancient Aztec ritual in which you eat one of your classmates’ hearts, using the Student Center stairway as a substitute for an ancient Aztec pyramid. Bon appétit.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Keep a watchful eye this week, Taurus, as your fear of people in cuddly mascot costumes will finally be realized when Ranger Bear follows you unawares into the school bathroom, and everywhere else for that matter.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Your week, Gemini, will be filled with success in all areas: school, work, love, and finances. But only if you happen to be the Editor-in-Chief of the Ranger News. Otherwise, it’s likely that you’ll fail every assignment in your classes, lose your job, your significant other will dump you due to your unhealthy obsession with Grumpy Cat memes, and you’ll wind up in a bar spending your life savings on Shirley Temples. What a failure.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): After that terrible dream in which you armed yourself with sharpened pencils to ward off the undead in the zombie apocalypse, you’ll awaken in your English 101 class to find yourself standing over one of your fellow classmates, mechanical pencil in hand.
Leo (July 23-August 22): So, Leo, you take pride in the lion as your astrological spirit animal while singing Katy Perry’s “Roar” in your car? Reality check: this week you will realize that your self-esteem should not be so high as your true astrological spirit animal takes the form of Miley Cyrus naked atop a wrecking ball.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): Success is in the cards this week, dear Virgo. Unfortunately for you, the cards in question happen to be Uno cards, and I’ve just lost all of my money betting on your good fortunes this week, loser.
Libra (September 23-October 22): Are your troubles weighing on you this week, dear Libra? No? It must be all the stress-eating you’ve been doing. Hopefully next week you tip the scales in a lighter direction.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): I would watch where you step this week, Scorpio. There are a lot of substances that are really hard to get off of sneakers. For example, bubble gum, dog poo, the souls of your enemies…
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): As an archer, you must have very good aim. Aim your sights a little lower this week, Sagittarius. You didn’t really think you could buy an iPhone 5S, did you? Stick to the produce section at your local grocery store.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): You’ll hit it big this week, Capricorn! Make sure you’ve got the number of a good body shop.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Make friends with a Pisces this week! Mars and Venus are colliding into a fireball, and that’s exactly what your friendship would be.
Pisces (February 19-March 20): Don’t trust Aquarius.
please note that the Editor-in-Chief had nothing to do with the creation of the Gemini horoscope.