Tips for surviving the annual goose invasion

Beware. At. Parkside.

TRAVIS NORTHERN | north004@rangers.uwp.edu

Goose Animal Bird Bill Plumage Head Poultry Hiss
Photo recovered from a student’s Snapchat—the last Snapchat she ever sent.

It is a dark time for UW-Parkside students. After months of gathering their strength, the geese are poised to return to campus.

With their arrival, they bring death, pestilence, and a screech loud enough to shake the foundations of this very building. Last year, random goose attacks nearly brought the student population to extinction.

Not only did they practice their regular strategies of pack hunts andsidewalk ambushes, but they sought after specific targets, taking down any students that dared to challenge them. The last Bearly News reporter to write a piece about goose attacks has yet to be found, and is therefore presumed dead.

To avoid suffering the same fate, follow these instructions and join the global goose resistance (GGR).

Technique one

Is something giving you the feeling that you are being watched? Do you spot a trail of droppings across the pavement? Are a pair of wings blotting out the sun?

If this describes your walk across campus at any point between February and November, you could be a potential victim of a goose attack. If you want to escape with life and limb, practice the following techniques.

Practice the safe walk. The safe walk, in this scenario, means having a freshman beside you at all times. At the first sign of danger, trip the freshman, or use them as a meat shield as you make your escape. You do not have to outrun an angry goose; you only have to outrun your fellow student.

Technique two

In instances of traversing the longer walkways on campus–unaccompanied by an aforementioned expendable–the GGR recommends carrying the ultimate precaution on your person at all times: event handbills.

Countless hours of study have demonstrated that nothing is a more effective repellent than trying to offer people handbills. If a goose approaches you, draw your stack of handbills for the next big event. Like students on the skybridge, the avian attackers should scurry in fear.

Inviting innovation

Above all, it is important to remember that anyone can survive the invasion with a little ingenuity.

One student the Bearly News interviewed has decided to lay low by donning a hyper-realistic goose disguise. “If you can’t beat them, join them,” he said, before honking erratically and charging our reporter.

One member of UWP Athletics even found a way to profit from the onslaught. “Nothing motivates me to run in the morning like a warmongering waterfowl nipping at my heels,” she stated proudly.

Students like these give the GGR hope for a better tomorrow. As the student population slowly adjusts to the return of the Canadian devils, they will learn to endure. While the countless casualties from past springs will never be forgotten, the UW-Parkside community can learn to move forward.

By following the steps above, you too may survive the annual goose invasion. The days may be dark, but the dawn will come. Until then, we can only dream of the day that the geese will fly south once more, and go bother some students in Arkansas instead.

“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.”

A Message from Nature | Bloodshed in environmentalism

ADELANA AKINDES | akind001@rangers.uwp.edu

Something I don’t hear about too often is the bloodshed involved in environmental activism occurring around the planet. Industry continues to engulf the world, and is pushing its way into every untapped natural resource, every land that never belonged to them. There are people who are fighting back and speaking up about the environment. There are people who dedicate their lives to defend the land and to defend each other. Often they are the original people of the land, the Indigenous people with cultures, roots and livelihoods tied directly to the environment in which they live. And increasingly so, those who speak out are targeted, and killed, in order to silence the message that they carry.

Countries in Latin America and Southeast Asia have the highest rates for these murders, with Brazil and the Philippines being the most deadly countries for environmental activism. Most of the violence takes place over land rights disputes, involving huge industries–the main ones being mining, agribusiness, damming, logging and poaching–and the the indigenous communities of the area. Members of these industries often partner with gangs and militia, and in this way they are able to kill those in opposition without repercussions.

Last year, a documented 197 people have been murdered due to their environmental protests, which averages to four people a week. The numbers have been compiled by Global Witness, a group who has been keeping track of these specific types of murders since 2002. Since then, over 1,000 murders have been documented, with the true number believed to be far higher. Some of the more well-known victims include nun and environmentalist Dorothy Stang and indigenous land rights environmentalist Bertha Cáceres. Yet far more victims have gone unnamed and unreported, and usually none get justice in the end.

I still remember when I was first exposed to this information. It was in my Peoples of Southeast Asia class, an anthropology course I took here at Parkside two years ago. I learned about this beautiful ceremony in the northern forests of Thailand, where monks wrapped the robes that were typically reserved for them around the trunks of trees. These “Ecology monks” saw the deforestation in Thailand, caused by logging activity, and developed this practice in response. By ordaining trees as if they were monks, as if the trees were being initiated into monkhood, the monks were making a statement about the spiritual inherentness of the forests. I wasn’t prepared to hear that one of these monks was stabbed to death. This type of peaceful environmental activism was still seen as a threat.

The fight for indigenous people’s rights to their own land is occurring across the planet. Even in countries where this extreme violence is not taking place, the battle is still going. Just look at Standing Rock in North Dakota, or No Back 40 in Wisconsin. It’s important to be aware of what environmentalism looks like across the world and across cultures. People are risking their lives everyday, armed with nothing but their voices.

Adelana Akindes is a senior majoring in environmental sciences and is the treasurer of PEC.

Community Connections | Suicide prevention… you are not alone

 

KRYSTAL DODGE | thorn008@rangers.uwp.edu

Suicide does not have a single cause. Substance abuse and untreated depression lead to higher risk of suicide. Having a strong circle and a good support network can help prevent suicide. It is a very complex issue that requires the collaboration of healthcare workers, individuals and their families, treatment services and loved ones.

According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC), suicide is the tenth highest cause of death in the United States for all ages. Approximately 105 people die by suicide daily, and suicide takes the lives of 38,000 Americans a year. The highest rates of suicide among Americans are in Whites, Native Americans, and Alaskan Natives. There is 1 successful suicide for every 25 suicide attempts, and that increases to 1 successful suicide for every 4 attempts in the elderly. The National Alliance of Mental Illness (NAMI) states that only half of people experiencing a major depressive episode receive treatment.

Warning signs

According to the Suicide Awareness Voices of Education, there are warning signs to look out for: talking about wanting to die or to kill oneself, about feeling hopeless or having no purpose, feeling trapped or being in unbearable pain or worrying about being  a burden to others. Other things to watch for are increased substance use, withdrawing, extreme mood swings, sleep changes and recklessness. These are all acute signs. If you observe these signs in yourself or someone else, you should seek help. You can call 911 or go to the hospital. You can also call Lifeline (USA) at 800-273-8255 OR Text SIGNS to 741741 for 24/7, anonymous, free crisis counseling. There are many other crisis lines available.

Resources at UW-Parkside

According to the UW-Parkside website, free personal counseling services and referrals are available to all UW-Parkside students. These services are performed by licensed personnel and meet federal guidelines. There is both individual and group counseling available for a wide variety of things.

These services are free and confidential, and this means the information will not and cannot legally be shared without your written permission. You can call to set up a counseling session at (262) 595-2366. If you have an emergency, you may call the UW-Parkside police at (262) 595-2911.

If you or someone you know are feeling suicidal or depressed, please seek help. There is hope. According to the TAPS study, 80-90 % of Americans who seek treatment for their depression can treat it successfully using therapy and/or medication. In the words of Phil Donahue remember that, “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”