What is the State of TPUSA?

TYLER STEINSDORFER | stein078@rangers.uwp.edu

One of Parkside’s conservative student organizations are in a state of disarray after a number of members discover that they are not actually conservative

Turning Point USA is a college conservative group on campus that has recently gained notoriety due to having suspected racial biases. A chapter has recently started at UW-Parkside and, as a result, a number of people have wanted to determine whether these rumors were true as well as try to learn more about the group as a whole. However, to my surprise, after conducting interviews with members of the group the Bearly News has yet to find anyone that is actually conservative.

The Truth Comes Out

“It all started when I first opened The Communist Manifesto” one group member stammered before quickly looking around to make sure no one heard him. He, as well as everyone else who agreed to be interviewed, wished to remain anonymous so as to not bring any unwanted attention to themselves. He really seemed at a loss trying to understand who he really is. He went on to describe how his parents would disown him if they knew he was actually a socialist. I really pitied the man and wanted to give him a hug and tell him everything would be okay, but he would only allow this if the phrase “no homo” was yelled an unfathomable amount of times.

Not all of the people interviewed were socialists. One girl mentioned Proudhon as often as a clingy girlfriend talks about her boyfriend. “I’m not sure how many of us are actually conservative and at this point I’m too scared to ask” the girl said. “We all just keep acting conservative because it’s what we’ve always done.”  It is difficult to say what will be the future of this organization. Only time will tell whether or not these left-wingers will actually come out of the closet or not.

“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.

Ranger Bear’s secret child

junior bear (1)
A haunting family portrait.

The hunt for truth: Is Ranger Bear really a solitary creature?

HOLLACE VILLARREAL | villa068@rangers.uwp.edu

Late at night, T. Ruxpin and this Bearly News reporter poured over the documents from Ranger Bear’s past. We had to look before the sun rose and we were kicked out of the Archives by the campus security. The files we were viewing were top secret, for the eyes of only the Head Archivist and the Dean.

“How do you have access to this?” Bearly News had asked the shaky archives assistant who logged into the computer for us.

“We can only afford one password.” She’d replied, before unlocking a file cabinet, “And we only got the finding for one set of keys.”

New evidence

In the wee hours of the morning, this reporter found some startling evidence. TWO soulless looking Ranger Bears, and a small bear cub beside them. UW-Parkside’s logo was emblazoned across their jerseys, showing that this must have been taken after Ranger Bear came to campus.

“Junior Bear.” T. Ruxpin read from the file card, “I thought… I thought Ranger Bear was the only one of his kind.”

Who is Junior Bear?

After some more digging and another late night in the archives, we had our answer. There were multiple photographs of two Ranger Bears, sometimes accompanied by Junior Bear, throughout the old files.

“They must have been a family.” The archivist murmured, looking down at the photographs with something akin to wonder. “But I always thought that Ranger Bear was male.”

After assuring the archivist that Ranger Bear was truly a genderless being and that he most likely reproduced by asexual budding, as all evidence from his physical examinations leads us to believe that he cannot truly be alive, we looked further into Junior Bear.

Where did he go? The archive files are not in chronological order, all information regarding Ranger Bear seemed to be stuffed away in an effort to hide it and hinder investigations, so we have no way of knowing what year the photographs were taken.

“I don’t know why Ranger Bear changed his appearance,” the archives assistant told us, when asked. “I assumed it was because he was keeping up with the latest trends, but his teeth seem… sharper now. Maybe he’s been evolving.”

T. Ruxpin has agreed to look into the numerous studies done in the 1970’s on Ranger Bear’s physical form, and the question of evolution. Next week we may have some answers.

“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.”

Tips for surviving the annual goose invasion

Beware. At. Parkside.

TRAVIS NORTHERN | north004@rangers.uwp.edu

Goose Animal Bird Bill Plumage Head Poultry Hiss
Photo recovered from a student’s Snapchat—the last Snapchat she ever sent.

It is a dark time for UW-Parkside students. After months of gathering their strength, the geese are poised to return to campus.

With their arrival, they bring death, pestilence, and a screech loud enough to shake the foundations of this very building. Last year, random goose attacks nearly brought the student population to extinction.

Not only did they practice their regular strategies of pack hunts andsidewalk ambushes, but they sought after specific targets, taking down any students that dared to challenge them. The last Bearly News reporter to write a piece about goose attacks has yet to be found, and is therefore presumed dead.

To avoid suffering the same fate, follow these instructions and join the global goose resistance (GGR).

Technique one

Is something giving you the feeling that you are being watched? Do you spot a trail of droppings across the pavement? Are a pair of wings blotting out the sun?

If this describes your walk across campus at any point between February and November, you could be a potential victim of a goose attack. If you want to escape with life and limb, practice the following techniques.

Practice the safe walk. The safe walk, in this scenario, means having a freshman beside you at all times. At the first sign of danger, trip the freshman, or use them as a meat shield as you make your escape. You do not have to outrun an angry goose; you only have to outrun your fellow student.

Technique two

In instances of traversing the longer walkways on campus–unaccompanied by an aforementioned expendable–the GGR recommends carrying the ultimate precaution on your person at all times: event handbills.

Countless hours of study have demonstrated that nothing is a more effective repellent than trying to offer people handbills. If a goose approaches you, draw your stack of handbills for the next big event. Like students on the skybridge, the avian attackers should scurry in fear.

Inviting innovation

Above all, it is important to remember that anyone can survive the invasion with a little ingenuity.

One student the Bearly News interviewed has decided to lay low by donning a hyper-realistic goose disguise. “If you can’t beat them, join them,” he said, before honking erratically and charging our reporter.

One member of UWP Athletics even found a way to profit from the onslaught. “Nothing motivates me to run in the morning like a warmongering waterfowl nipping at my heels,” she stated proudly.

Students like these give the GGR hope for a better tomorrow. As the student population slowly adjusts to the return of the Canadian devils, they will learn to endure. While the countless casualties from past springs will never be forgotten, the UW-Parkside community can learn to move forward.

By following the steps above, you too may survive the annual goose invasion. The days may be dark, but the dawn will come. Until then, we can only dream of the day that the geese will fly south once more, and go bother some students in Arkansas instead.

“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.”

Portal to Lovecraftian dimension opens in campus tunnels

cave-718142_960_720TRAVIS NORTHERN | north004@rangers.uwp.edu

But no one wants to go down there long enough to deal with it.

 

Ever since the Parkside Oddities held their last “Haunted Tunnels” in 2016, no one has checked on the D2 level of the school. During the first week of the semester, a lost freshman misunderstood their class schedule and wandered the tunnels beneath campus.

Down in the darkness, they saw a horrific sight. A massive portal to an alternate dimension has opened beneath Wylie Hall.

“It is probably just another project from the Chemistry Club,” said Scruffy, a member of the custodial staff. “I would try not to stress about it.”

Bearly News is run by college students, so regardless of Scruffy’s advice, we stressed about it. After our investigation of recent trends on campus, we have justifiable reasons to believe that the portal has been opened by Cthulhu, the ancient cosmic entity from Lovecraftian lore.

Call of Calculus

Things began to appear amiss when the Necronomicon became the most popular text at the bookstore.

Similarly, saggy pants and ugg boots have been replaced by the newest fashion trend of black cloaks with shadowy hoods. Administration even reports that thousands of requests have poured in for the school to add a certificate program for Eldritch magic.

“The university takes pride in its acceptance of people from all ethnic backgrounds, so I wanted to keep an open mind,” a campus recruiter commented, “However, I did notice an abnormally large spike in attendance from lizard people this semester. But hey, if it raises the graduation rate, I am perfectly okay with it.”

These strange clues around campus seem to verify the theory that Cthulhu has come to conquer UW-Parkside and add it to his subterranean kingdom. This opens the door for another question: what needs to be done about it?

Grovelling 101

Hypothetically, exterminators could deal with the portal, but all of the qualified candidates have called the desolate Parkside tunnels “far too spooky” for them.

Therefore, until the portal closes, all students are advised to appease any of Cthulhu’s demands to avoid the consequences of his wrath. The RITA’s costume department has been commissioned to add tentacles to Ranger Bear, and Straylight will now only be accepting submissions written in R’leyh Glyphs.

From cowering in a broom closet, this has been the Bearly News. Praise Cthulhu, long may he reign.

“Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.

Ranger Bear rolls in: Diving deeper into the past of our mascot

ranger car
The oldest photo of Ranger Bear uncovered from the head archivist’s collection

HOLLACE VILLARREAL | Villa068@rangers.uwp.edu

Ranger Bear serial

The Bearly News dove deeper into the past of Ranger Bear… what was found was shocking.

The more the Bearly News looked into our beloved school mascot, the more we realized: no one really knows where Ranger Bear came from. T. Ruxpin, our hired private eye, worked hard to dredge up some details while the Bearly News hoped someone could help to answer our questions.

Questions unanswered

“What do you mean, ‘where did Ranger Bear come from’?” An alumnus asked, laughing over the phone, “The woods, of course!”

“He lives in Petrifying Springs, right by campus!” His handler told the Bearly News, when we approached Ranger Bear at a press meeting. The bear himself would not take any questions.

“He’s been here longer than I have,” the Dean of Students told us, “Longer than anyone, really. He’s recently celebrated his 50th anniversary, you know.”

His 50th anniversary? We had to know more. The Bearly News headed to the archives.

Research time

“W-what? Ranger Bear? I can barely believe that you care about him! He’s harmless!” An archives worker expressed when we set to work.

We dug through the hundreds of stacks of unread copies of The Ranger News, hoping for some clues. However, there seemed to be no mention of him. Nothing, not even a picture. However, all the newspapers seemed to be… missing something.

“I heard you were looking for information on Ranger Bear.” A voice said from behind us. We started and turned to see the head archivist with a crazed look in her eyes. “I’ve waited years for this day, to find someone else as suspicious as I am.”

She led us from the archives to a back room where, on the walls, were dozens of newspaper clippings, all centered around Ranger Bear. It was amazing and horrifying.

The archives worker pointed to an photo on the wall. The picture is attached below, the earliest known image of Ranger Bear.

“He came out of nowhere, rolling up in his car like he owned the place,” the archivist told us, “It’s crazy, really. Everyone knows that bears can’t drive!”

Truly baffling. P. I. T. Ruxpin and this reporter shared a look. We knew we had just hit the tip of the iceberg.

“Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.