Ranger Bear’s secret child

junior bear (1)
A haunting family portrait.

The hunt for truth: Is Ranger Bear really a solitary creature?

HOLLACE VILLARREAL | villa068@rangers.uwp.edu

Late at night, T. Ruxpin and this Bearly News reporter poured over the documents from Ranger Bear’s past. We had to look before the sun rose and we were kicked out of the Archives by the campus security. The files we were viewing were top secret, for the eyes of only the Head Archivist and the Dean.

“How do you have access to this?” Bearly News had asked the shaky archives assistant who logged into the computer for us.

“We can only afford one password.” She’d replied, before unlocking a file cabinet, “And we only got the finding for one set of keys.”

New evidence

In the wee hours of the morning, this reporter found some startling evidence. TWO soulless looking Ranger Bears, and a small bear cub beside them. UW-Parkside’s logo was emblazoned across their jerseys, showing that this must have been taken after Ranger Bear came to campus.

“Junior Bear.” T. Ruxpin read from the file card, “I thought… I thought Ranger Bear was the only one of his kind.”

Who is Junior Bear?

After some more digging and another late night in the archives, we had our answer. There were multiple photographs of two Ranger Bears, sometimes accompanied by Junior Bear, throughout the old files.

“They must have been a family.” The archivist murmured, looking down at the photographs with something akin to wonder. “But I always thought that Ranger Bear was male.”

After assuring the archivist that Ranger Bear was truly a genderless being and that he most likely reproduced by asexual budding, as all evidence from his physical examinations leads us to believe that he cannot truly be alive, we looked further into Junior Bear.

Where did he go? The archive files are not in chronological order, all information regarding Ranger Bear seemed to be stuffed away in an effort to hide it and hinder investigations, so we have no way of knowing what year the photographs were taken.

“I don’t know why Ranger Bear changed his appearance,” the archives assistant told us, when asked. “I assumed it was because he was keeping up with the latest trends, but his teeth seem… sharper now. Maybe he’s been evolving.”

T. Ruxpin has agreed to look into the numerous studies done in the 1970’s on Ranger Bear’s physical form, and the question of evolution. Next week we may have some answers.

“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.”

Tips for surviving the annual goose invasion

Beware. At. Parkside.

TRAVIS NORTHERN | north004@rangers.uwp.edu

Goose Animal Bird Bill Plumage Head Poultry Hiss
Photo recovered from a student’s Snapchat—the last Snapchat she ever sent.

It is a dark time for UW-Parkside students. After months of gathering their strength, the geese are poised to return to campus.

With their arrival, they bring death, pestilence, and a screech loud enough to shake the foundations of this very building. Last year, random goose attacks nearly brought the student population to extinction.

Not only did they practice their regular strategies of pack hunts andsidewalk ambushes, but they sought after specific targets, taking down any students that dared to challenge them. The last Bearly News reporter to write a piece about goose attacks has yet to be found, and is therefore presumed dead.

To avoid suffering the same fate, follow these instructions and join the global goose resistance (GGR).

Technique one

Is something giving you the feeling that you are being watched? Do you spot a trail of droppings across the pavement? Are a pair of wings blotting out the sun?

If this describes your walk across campus at any point between February and November, you could be a potential victim of a goose attack. If you want to escape with life and limb, practice the following techniques.

Practice the safe walk. The safe walk, in this scenario, means having a freshman beside you at all times. At the first sign of danger, trip the freshman, or use them as a meat shield as you make your escape. You do not have to outrun an angry goose; you only have to outrun your fellow student.

Technique two

In instances of traversing the longer walkways on campus–unaccompanied by an aforementioned expendable–the GGR recommends carrying the ultimate precaution on your person at all times: event handbills.

Countless hours of study have demonstrated that nothing is a more effective repellent than trying to offer people handbills. If a goose approaches you, draw your stack of handbills for the next big event. Like students on the skybridge, the avian attackers should scurry in fear.

Inviting innovation

Above all, it is important to remember that anyone can survive the invasion with a little ingenuity.

One student the Bearly News interviewed has decided to lay low by donning a hyper-realistic goose disguise. “If you can’t beat them, join them,” he said, before honking erratically and charging our reporter.

One member of UWP Athletics even found a way to profit from the onslaught. “Nothing motivates me to run in the morning like a warmongering waterfowl nipping at my heels,” she stated proudly.

Students like these give the GGR hope for a better tomorrow. As the student population slowly adjusts to the return of the Canadian devils, they will learn to endure. While the countless casualties from past springs will never be forgotten, the UW-Parkside community can learn to move forward.

By following the steps above, you too may survive the annual goose invasion. The days may be dark, but the dawn will come. Until then, we can only dream of the day that the geese will fly south once more, and go bother some students in Arkansas instead.

“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.”