Goose caught attacking students

HUNTER FRENCH | frenc019@rangers.uwp.edu

Spring has nearly sprung, and UW-Parkside students could not be happier. Climbing temperatures are the cure for the cabin fever we were all diagnosed with last November. However, they also spell disaster for this campus. Their wings will block out the sun, their honks will deafen us, their excrement will litter the campus with rancid landmines. Yes, dear reader, the time has come to prepare for the inevitable: the return of the geese.

Avian attacks

Every spring, these creatures emerge from the depths of hell to wreak havoc on the people of the Petrifying Springs Park area. Many students, myself included, have fallen victim to goose attacks. These evil animals will prowl in flocks across the campus grounds, hunting for a vulnerable student to tar and feather before fleeing to the safety of the skies.

Stinky snipers

As if flight was not a strong enough advantage over us puny humans, the geese have another trick up their wings. We have all seen geese perched atop buildings, peering down on us like we are the subjects of their kingdom. However, there is more to this tactic than mere intimidation. When a goose plops its fat, ugly body on a rooftop, it is waiting for an unwary student to venture beneath its perch, so it can drop a stink bomb from its posterior end. I implore Chancellor Ford to implement “Beware of Falling Objects” signs near every known goose hangout.

From the goose’s bill

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Honk the goose displaying his dominance

In the name of investigative journalism, I risked life and limb to conduct an interview with a goose named Honk. He agreed to the interview on the grounds that I bring four pieces of WonderBread as tribute.

I asked Honk why geese fly in a V-pattern. Honk explained that the Tactical V-Formation© allowed for maximum coverage when carpet bombing areas with goose turds. After asking the first question of the interview, Honk’s flock descended from the skies. Honk claimed that I had “asked enough questions,” and that it was time for me to “keep walking.” As a goose attack survivor, I heeded Honk’s warning and scurried to the safety of Wylie Hall.

Open season

This avian oppression can persist no longer. If we continue to subject ourselves to this torture, then the geese will have won. There is a reason why humans are at the top of the food chain. The time has come to remind the geese of that reason. The time has come, dear reader, to fight back.

We have to unite as a campus, regardless of our differences. Politically, right-wingers and left-wingers have to stand together or be battered by menacing gray wings. Freshmen and seniors alike take the same risk every time they make the trek from the Rita to the SAC, past prime goose-feeding grounds. These birds do not discriminate: they hate everybody. Some sources indicate that the geese may have been behind the recent death of Ranger Bear in an attempt to usurp his throne as our beloved mascot. We cannot allow these bird brains to rule over us. The day we give into their demands is the day our goose is cooked.

“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.

New regulations proposed for lethal equipment

negan-2HUNTER FRENCH | frenc019@rangers.uwp.edu

Recently, control of the government has shifted from democrat communists to alt-right fascism. As a result, things in America are going to change.

Certain items will become more easily accessible, especially ones that can be purchased at almost any sporting goods store. Items that many Americans use to defend their homes from burglars. Items that are crucial to the image of America. Items that, in the wrong hands, can severely injure or even kill innocent Americans. The good old American baseball bat.

Baseball bat use by the public was accepted back when all baseball bats were made of wood. They were seen as harmless and became an icon of American culture.

Nowadays, we are able to walk into a Dick’s Sporting Goods Store and walk out fifteen minutes later with a deadly metal bat. Metal bats are capable of firing projectiles at velocities up to 100mph. 100mph! There is no need for the public to wield such firepower. My car cannot even go 100mph, so I guess I am doomed.

Striking Modifications

Furthermore, baseball bats are easily modified with illegal attachments that drastically increase the killing power of these so-called “tactical bats.” Some bat owners hammer nails into their bats, and others have taken to wrapping them in barbed wire. I spoke with one such tac-bat user about his opinion on the issue.

This gentleman says that bats are at the core of who he is and that he would “beat the holy hell” out of anyone that told him any different. Then again, this warlord only demands half of our belongings, whereas Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton wanted to raise taxes for over 50% of our income. Perhaps we are better off with this man on the streets than with her in office.

Bat Culture

The worst part is that bats are not treated with the proper care. As a young boy, my father would leave several bats laying out in the garage, where anyone could come along and use them for nefarious reasons. People are even buying bats for their kids! What have we become America? Bats are also used by people our kids look up to. For example, every single member of the Chicago Cubs, winners of the 2016 World Series, has admitted to bat use.

Avoiding Bat-astrophe

I am not saying that we should ban baseball bats from the public. After all, it is an American pastime, but we should have strict regulations on the material (wood, metal or composite)and the model (baseball or cricket) and we should outlaw tactical attachments to ensure that bats are used safely enough and are tame enough to pose no real threat to the government if it becomes corrupt. In that case, we should just use our guns.

“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.

Keystone XL could pollute Wisconsin’s beer

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A classic beer sampler that may not be available in Wisconsin if the pipeline breaks.

HUNTER FRENCH | frenc019@rangers.uwp.edu

Lately, many activist groups have been protesting the construction of the Keystone XL Pipeline because of the pollution risks associated with such a massive project. If the pipeline breaks, then the pipeline could pollute water source upon water source.

Putting Wisconsinites at risk

This is definitely an important issue, but there are more pressing problems brewing in this highly controversial venture, some that conflict directly with Wisconsinites’ best interests.

This pipeline could burst and contaminate a beer brewery. If this happens, Wisconsin will be left high and dry when it comes to alcohol access.

Tapped keg

This, dear reader, is the conspiracy we are faced with. You see, this oil pipeline has recently been updated with new routes running near major breweries throughout Wisconsin. Combine this with the fact that the pipeline has reportedly leaked over 17,000 gallons last year, and we are faced with the bitter truth: our very way of life is at risk.

A sober situation

If the pipeline ruptures and pollutes a brewery, we will all suffer. Imagine Wisconsin without beer. This state would go ballistic! There would be riots in the streets, brother would turn on brother, divorces would be filed. There is a glue that holds society together, and, in Wisconsin, that glue is beer.

A conglomerate conspiracy

There is a reason that all previous attempts to shut this pipeline down have been unsuccessful. The people are not seeing the issue for what it really is: Big beer conglomerates that brew outside of Wisconsin are attempting to deliberately poison Wisconsin breweries through construction of the Keystone XL Pipeline to eliminate the competition of Wisconsin brewed beers. They even named the pipeline after one of their beer brands! No Wisconsinite wants to drink a bottom-of-the-barrel beer like Keystone.

Raising a glass to action

Wisconsinites, the time to act is now. If we work together, we can defend our way of life from the big beer conglomerates and save local breweries from extinction. Oh yeah, and we might save the environment while we are at it.

“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.

Ranger Bear found dead at scene

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Last image of Ranger Bear on record. He was last seen leaving the Sports and Activities Center after a home game.

WILL APGAR  | apgar001@rangers.uwp.edu

Beloved UW-Parkside mascot Ranger Bear was found dead on the side of Green Bay Road near the Speedway, down the road from the University of Wisconsin-Parkside campus. The cause for death is determined to be murder-the fifth bear-related-crime since Betsy Devos’ criticized grizzly bears as threats towards schools.

Ranger Bears sudden death shocked the community: “It doesn’t make sense,” said UW-Parkside student Chloe Nolapone, “Ranger Bear was doing so well. He just got back from the best road series the basketball team has ever had and was looking forward to celebrating our loss by only 10 points.”  Since Devos’ comments on January 18th, this is the first celebrity-list bear murder, a growing trend in crime. “As a self-bought doctor, I understand the threats of wealthy people buying their way to power” said Dr. Staton, an unknown doctor. “Do you remember the Harambe joke? That’s what’s going to happen. First they’ll kill their enemies, then they’ll convince the public to joke about it. They can buy their way into power, they can buy the public’s opinion”

Dr. Stanton’s fears are not unfounded since UW-Parkside students in support of Devos have began putting bear-skin rugs in their dorms as well as starting a petition on change.org to make the new UW-Parkside mascot a bald eagle. The murder, however, has still not been resolved.

When asked about progress in the investigation, Sargent Flouor said “It’s a terribly difficult matter to investigate and we have some suspects in mind. Yes, we did consider Betsy Devos as a suspect, but since she donated over two million dollars to our investigation we have become convinced that someone with that kind of a heart could never kill anyone in cold blood. Devos is expected to announce her replacement to common core next week, rumored to be called Kindness Is Loving the Lord, Anyone who Leaves will Lose, Believe in Education and Action, Repent Sin! otherwise known as K.I.L.L.A.L.L B.E.A.R.S. 

“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.