Out-of-this-world study abroad opportunity

Trappist poster
Banner found floating just outside of earth 

HOLLACE VILLAREAL | villa068@rangers.uwp.edu

The Trappist-1 System is made up of seven Earth-like planets, three of which are situated in the safe zone from meteors. Scientists believe that it is very likely that there is water on one of those planets, making it prime for human colonization.

“The sure look beautiful, don’t they?” a NASA representative commented when interviewed, nervously looking at an artist’s rendition of the planets, “And they’re probably habitable. We haven’t had much time to check.”

The program

One hundred lucky students from UW-Parkside will be given a free degree and a crash course of training on aerospace technology, before being sent on their way to the Trappist-1 system before 2018.

“We’re working as fast as possible,” the NASA representative told The Ranger News, “We’re working quickly as we can to leave this planet. After the American presidential inauguration it only took us two months to find habitable planets after years of searching, we’re highly motivated to get this work done.”

When asked why UW-Parkside students were to be sent, the NASA representative put down his blowtorch, which he had been using to weld together parts of the prestigious USS Expatriate, to answer “Well, it’s not like Parkside is exactly Harvard, is it? They’re there to get in, get their degrees, and get out. Efficient. That’s what we need.”

When asked about how long the journey would take, the NASA representative told Ranger News, “I’m going to level with you, it’s estimated at around 200 years. But you know Parkside student, they have to wait years for specific classes to be offered only to see them get filled up. They have unprecedented levels of patience.”

The Ranger News asked the increasingly annoyed NASA representative what the students should expect once they got to their destination. “Hopefully they’ll find a habitable planet in the Trappist-1 system, but for all we know they could be covered in lakes of fire. The important part is that they’ll be far, far away from Earth and its impending nuclear holocaust. In fact, I’ll be aboard the ship, teaching the students how to maintain colonies, and if you know what’s good for you you’ll drop that silly recording device and help me weld this.”

The benefits

The NASA representative was unable to be reached for follow up questions about what students should expect upon their return to Earth, aside from the promised unspecified degree. Ranger News interviewed a few employers to see if they would be willing to have an astronaut as an intern. Most said that the program would provide students with the perfect experience to be able to step up into an unpaid internship.

 

*“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.

Parkside applicants out of this world

HUNTER FRENCH | frenc019@rangers.uwp.edu

For years, Parkside has advertised its programs to high schoolers all over Wisconsin in the hopes that young adults will become Rangers for the next four years of their lives. These are the steps most colleges take when recruiting new students to their programs. However, UW-Parkside is taking one giant leap for college-kind by extending their advertisements to reach out-of-this-world applicants: aliens from outer space.

Get the message out there

Naturally, the largest hurdle to orbital advertisement is getting the message up there. Despite a tight budget crisis, the university allocated the funds to purchase its first aircraft in 2016, a drone called Ranger One. The drone’s purpose was to gather aerial footage of the campus to use in Parkside promos.

However, following this bold new direction in advertisement, Ranger One will be modified to brave the final frontier of space, carrying a banner promoting UW-Parkside in tow. The drone will carry this message off into the stars for all aspiring aliens looking for a bachelor’s degree to see.

Improve campus diversity

This otherworldly attempt to bring in new students unsurprisingly generated some questions. The biggest question everybody is asking is, “Why do we need aliens to come to our school?” The answer offered by Admissions Counselor Gon Jonzalez is that “as a campus, we need to be more diverse. The mission’s goal is to make education more inclusive to all people, humans and aliens alike, by showing them that they are safe to pursue their dreams here.”

Of course, we cannot be prepared to accept extraterrestrial students without making a few accommodations to our campus. For example, these students will need somewhere to park their spaceships, so another parking lot is proposed. Crop circles will now be recognized as a form of vandalism and will not be tolerated on university property, despite student outcry for administrators to “cease with the bigotry” and “respect their culture”.

Some speculate that the sudden interest in enrolling extraterrestrials at UW-Parkside is an attempt to create an “alien sanctuary” here before NASA enacts an interstellar travel ban or construction on a wall between Earth and the outer solar system, trying to keep E.T.s off of our planet.

Ranger One is expected to launch at the end of May, giving aliens the entire summer to apply and attend ROAR before beginning classes in the Fall semester of 2017.

 

*”The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.

Exclusive interview with God confirms “Life has no meaning?”

WILL APGAR | apgar001@rangers.uwp.edu

After centuries of denying interviews, the Lord has finally agreed to sit down with UW-Parkside reporters and address many questions that have plagued humanity since its dawn. The only condition was not to publish any footage of the interview because cameras are considered to be “witchcraft”.

Life’s meaning

The Lord spoke on many things, including how “Plato is boring” and how he wishes Black Sabbath wasn’t so against him. Perhaps the most shocking news we acquired was His view on the purpose of life. “Yeah there is none”, spoke God. “Life has no meaning. I thought that video game, ‘The Sims,’ would be a hint.”

This struck us as shocking – we followed up with asking, “what about heaven?” to which He replied, I don’t know why you’re all obsessed with moving in with me. All we do is play basketball and appoint kings to power. Now that most monarchies are over, it’s pretty boring. Being a good person is cool and all, but I’d prefer people who can pay rent.”

Religious advice

When asked about the various religions the Lord spoke, “Yeah, follow any of them. I don’t care. I’m not like a politician; I’m not up for re-election. I’m God and that don’t change. There’s no right or wrong ones. Even atheist! You don’t wanna believe in me? Well, I don’t believe in you, either!”

When asked what he meant, God clarified, “It’s like believing in yourself. It’s all about confidence. You’ll never get a job if you think you don’t deserve it, right Jason?”

For readers who don’t know, this was an obvious blow at our reporter, Jason Seige, who recently stuttered through the interview at the local Target. Following the insult, a brawl broke out, ultimately conceding our report.

We still have many questions for the Lord, who revealed plans on starting a new YouTube account where he will be playing and reacting to the cult-classic online game, Happy Wheels. The new interview date is scheduled for April 17 – the day following Easter.

“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.

Steroids: the future of pro sports

Classic_Football
Football has come a long way since its establishment

HUNTER FRENCH | frenc019@rangers.uwp.edu

Steroids. Stimulants. Human growth hormone. These substances have received a bad wrap from the sports community over the years, mostly because of the unfair advantages they offer to their users over other athletes.

A new trend in sports

However, this trend is changing. We are living amidst a new sports revolution. Many athletes are proposing a new solution to the performance-enhancing drug (PED) stigma: since the drugs are illegal due to the unfair advantage they give their users, a new sports league will be created, one in which performance enhancing drug use is not only permitted, but is required.

The ‘roid renaissance

Imagine the Olympics with zero restrictions on what athletes put in their bodies. ‘Roided runners would put Usain Bolt to shame. Stimmed swimmers would turn Michael Phelps into a fish out of water. We like these people because they are the fastest and strongest human beings on the planet. A new Olympics with enhanced athletes would wipe the slate clean with new records (unless returning athletes conform to the new policy as well), as well as giving newcomers a shot at gold.

“It’s the morally sound thing to do”

In light of these new developments in sportsmanship, many sports conglomerates are making statements in regard to this new decision. Roger Goodell, the commissioner of the National Football League (NFL) has recently said “I fully support this decision. The NFL will be the first league to require PEDs for all of its players. I believe that it’s the morally sound thing to do. Humans are at the top of the food chain because we evolved above the rest of the animal kingdom. This is the next step in the evolution of football.” Goodell also stated that the NFL guidelines have changed in other ways, such as the doubling of the length of the football field to accommodate for longer throw distances.

Saving smaller sports

Under this new league, footballers will experience bone-shattering tackles, and hockey fights will end in mass casualties. This boosts ratings for sporting events, which will increase the funding these sports get. Smaller sports will reap these benefits as well. Fencing matches will escalate to duels to the death. Bowling balls will destroy bowling alleys when thrown down the lane at 500 feet per second. Curling will actually become relevant… whatever curling actually is.

The future is now

As time continues to drone onward, many struggle to keep up with the times. Many will wonder if the decisions made in this day and age make any sense at all. I urge those of you who think this way to open your eyes and see the truth, which is this: performance enhancing drugs will save the world of sports.

“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.

Trump puts white house on the market

White_House_For_Sale
Trump puts the White House for auction

WILL APGAR | apgar001@rangers.uwp.edu

President Donald Trump announced this Tuesday that he is planning on selling the White House to the highest bidder. “I prefer if the bidding is done with Ruble,” said Trump, who seems to be favoring Russian bids over American.

Buying the dairy state

“I have plenty of money. So much money. More money than we can fit in the White House. Enough money to cover all of Wisconsin, twice. I could buy that state, you know. Paul Ryan is such a joke to the Republican Party, I bet I could buy his whole damn state and kick him out.”

Trump proved his claim true as he has now bought all public and private property in Wisconsin. All UW schools have now been forced to rename themselves to University of Trump, or UT, except for Parkside, which did not have the funds to replace “Wisconsin” with “Trump”.

American to Russian

Paul Ryan spoke on the purchase as “bad business”which might not be wrong. Since the Wisconsin purchase, all brewing companies have converted to Vodka manufacturers, and the state has now seceded from the rest of the union. Wisconsin currency has changed to rubles and the Packers have been renamed the “Putins”.

Trump and UW-Parkside

UW Parkside now serves as a modern historic site – seeing as it is the only UW school left. Trump has not been shy with his opinions on the school’s inability to change its name, saying “Parkside? The bear school? The school where they kill bears? I don’t care if they become a UT school or not. Either way, their degrees are and will always be valueless. Sad!”

Trump has also not been shy on his opinions on what he calls “The Failing Ranger News”Trump is quoted saying “Pathetic. they have no real news to report on. They have to hire satirist to make up articles just so people will read it!”

The issues of Trump occupation in Wisconsin now threatens the nation as a wholebidding on The White House ends on April 13, with an anonymous bidder leading the auction.

“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.