UW-Parkside’s library wins “Library of the Year” award

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UW-Parkside students enjoying the award winning library.

HOLLACE VILLARREAL | villa068@rangers.uwp.edu

UW-Parkside’s library has just won the prestigious “Library of the Year” award!

A stunning achievement

The Ranger News interviewed several faculty and students about our newly-won award.

“Our library is pretty bomb,” an English major told The Ranger News. “It’s even got that whole floor where you have to be silent.”

“We have a library?” asked a business major.

“I’m honestly surprised we won something,” a pre-med student told The Ranger News, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen us win… well, anything.”

“See, we can still win! Now people will have to stop complaining about the flies…” a library faculty member said.

A few malcontents

Despite the overwhelmingly positive response to the library winning “Library of the Year”, some people remain skeptical about the victory.

“How could we have beaten Madison?” a communications major pointed out, “They have so much more funding than us.”

“What about the flies?” a concerned economics major asked.

A student employee of the library beckoned The Ranger News to follow her. “I want to show you why we can’t be library of the year,” she said.

“But what about the flies?” The economics major repeated, seemingly to no one.

What about the flies?

The student employee led The Ranger News down to the archives. It was dimly lit on the way there, and she looked both ways before shutting the door and hanging a mesh cover over it, something that looked like mosquito netting.

“I’ve dissected one of the flies,” the student employee said, “It’s not a fly.”

The student revealed herself to be a biology major, one of the ones who studied Ranger Bear’s reanimation over the summer. She wanted to see why the flies had chosen the library as their home.

“Look,” she said, pulling out the dissected fly, “it’s a tiny computer!”

It did indeed appear to be a tiny computer. When asked what the fly’s function was, the student employee replied “I believe it’s supposed to be collecting data. We find them hovering over students and hovering over the books that haven’t been uploaded onto the internet yet. But I couldn’t tell you why.”

The student employee then asked that we discontinue The Ranger News, as she was still 30 years behind on scanning copies into the digital archives. The Ranger News politely refused.

The rigged award

After emerging from the archives, another faculty member accosted The Ranger News.

“You can’t run this story, it will destroy the library’s reputation!”

He then detailed how there was a benefactor who had paid The Ranger News in exchange for their unlimited resources and for the right to release the flies in the library. The faculty member said that he believed that this mysterious benefactor had rigged the “Library of the Year” vote so that the library would get more funding.

“Don’t you believe in the furthering of education?” the man demanded of The Ranger News.

However, The Ranger News has always strived to bring the absolute truth of the story to its readers.

Insecticide is now being sold at the bookstore.

The dark secret behind UW-Parkside’s supercomputer

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A glimpse of Aven Macontash’s secret layer.

Hollace Villarreal | villa068@rangers.uwp.edu

In our previous issue, The Ranger News reported on the breaking story of a student’s personal project, creating a cluster of computers to help with parallel computing. However, what if it is used for a more devious plot? The Ranger News sent in an undercover, investigative journalist to find out.

A secret room within a secret room

When The Ranger News showed up, unannounced, to the computer closet, the student who had created the cluster answered the door.

“What do you want?” He had demanded. “Oh, you must be here for the new henchman-I mean intern position.”

He led the way into the computer closet and typed out a series of commands on one of the less conspicuous computers. He then led the way through an opening in the wall and down a winding staircase to a cave-like basement passage.

As he walked, the student hastily covered half-finished projects with tarps lying around, muttering “Nothing to see here,” as he went. The Ranger News took notice of devices labeled such things as “Heat Ray”, “Blaster Gun”, and “Surveillance Fly”.

When asked what the project labelled “Ice Ray” was going to be used for, he laughed it off.

“It’s a joke,” he said, looking around as if waiting for someone else to answer, “It totally isn’t because I’m planning on freezing the college during my World Domination Plan. That would be ridiculous, why would you even suggest that?”

Science closet or evil lair?

The student sat down with The Ranger News to talk about the job position he had been offering.

“It will have a very strict contract, but there will be plenty of benefits. Plus it is going to count for science credit as well as internship credit!”

When asked what, exactly, the job would entail, the student merely shrugged.

“You’ll be doing all the normal intern stuff. Getting coffee, writing paperwork, guarding the captives I’ve frozen in carbonite. The usual stuff.”

When asked what any of this had to do with the cluster of computers above-ground, he answered, “The computers upstairs aren’t even really running. I’ve set up a screen to make it look like they’re solving constant equations, but that’s just to keep the University from wondering why the power bill has suddenly become so high. This is why I couldn’t create a lair at home, the electric bill was getting to be too expensive.”

He then detailed the benefits package, which had a beautiful health insurance and life insurance bundle, but sadly no retirement plan.

While The Ranger News was ultimately forced to decline the job offer, it is still up for grabs. Please contact Aven Micontash for the details.

*“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.

Brickstone coffee scandal enrages students

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Undeniable photograph PROOF of workers’ mal-intent! Do you see those fumes of death rising from this cup of coffee? Do you see it? Decaf is evil.

HOLLACE VILLAREAL | villa068@rangers.uwp.edu

News has broken that the cafeteria workers in the Brickstone Eatery are actually scientists in disguise, experimenting on the good students of UW-Parkside. In their experiment, they replaced all of the coffee on campus with something much more malicious: decaf.

Students outraged at the news

“My grades have been slipping all semester,” a tired communications major told The Ranger News. “Now I finally know why.”

“I hope they refund me on my meal plan, do they really think I would waste my money on some bitter, gross [expletive deleted] if it wasn’t keeping me awake for my eight AM class? I have physics, man.” Another student said, before storming off to the Student Center to demand that her card be refunded.

“I was so tired after my nine PM class last night, I thought I saw an escaped serial killer running through the woods with a club. Decaf explains it though, right? I’ve just felt like my brain’s been in a wastebin for these last some-odd weeks.” A history major told The Ranger News before laughing nervously and declining any further comment about his supposed vision.

Further investigation

The Ranger News has been briefed by the Campus Police that the motives behind the experiment were unclear.

“Maybe they wanted to see what would happen to the mentality of a closed area during a mass withdrawal. Or they’re just cruel and uncaring, nobody’s super sure about anything.” The officer said before popping two aspirins, “We know beyond a doubt that the culprits have been caught, and you can bet the justice will be swift. Quote me on that.”

It turns out that this ‘swift justice’ may be extra gratifying to fellow Parksidians. While no one has been caught doing unauthorized experiments at this time, old campus laws are still in place. These laws have specific guidelines on how to deal with wrongful experimentation on students. Ranger Bear will be presiding as the justice of the peace, and his verdict will be final. The Ranger News will keep you updated as the story develops.

 

*“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.

Parkside’s horrifying new study

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A photo found on a students cellphone that was left in the woods, showing what appears to be a phantom.

HOLLACE VILLARREAL |  villa068@rangers.uwp.edu

“Ghosted: our missing young people” is a new study recently published right here in the University of Wisconsin-Parkside by our own Dr. Acula. The study explores the phenomena of teens and young adults going missing in mid-autumn every year.

The study explores previously unresearched territory

In the article, Dr. Acula shows how, despite the lack of research, there is a real correlation between the autumn months and disappearances.

“Generally kids start disappearing in mid-September, with gradually increasing numbers to a peak point at the end of October. It dies down in November and then we all collectively seem to… forget. There’s no other way to put it, we simply forget.” Dr. Acula told The Ranger News.

“There’s no real lack in research either,” he continued, “I just had to look up kids who went missing and search the library under their names. Generally there are lists of old newspaper articles and microfilm that they checked out before their disappearances.”

“The woods are a dangerous place and the kids should stay away.”

When asked if he knew how to prevent these disappearances, Dr. Acula simply shrugged.

“This isn’t like my previous work, ’10 signs that your child is possessed’. There’s no way to exorcise or bargain with something that’s not actively possessing you. However, I urge you to use your common sense. People without a lot of common sense, and those who follow their naïve friends, are the ones who disappear.”

The Ranger News asked if he had any helpful tips, and Dr. Acula had this to say: “Avoid any trips in the autumn, especially camping trips. The woods are a dangerous place and kids should stay away. While some kids can come back from their disappearance, they should not contact the police, as then they have a 90% chance of going missing again or becoming incarcerated in some capacity. Above all, if there is an escapee from an insane asylum in your area, do not travel anywhere alone.”

“The disappearances are becoming more well-documented with the rise of social media,” Dr. Acula said at the end of his interview, “Now we can see the cases of these killings or possessions in real time on Facebook and other comparable sites. Soon we may have an answer to why they happen in the first place.”

 

*“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.

15 Money-Saving Tips for College Students

HOLLACE VILLARREAL|villa@rangers.uwp.edu

The Ranger News is here to help you save money!

  1. Buy your schoolbooks! You can sell them back to the bookstore at the end of the semester for the exact price that it costs the factory to print the materials. The Ranger News reported a record high $15 buyback on a book last semester. “It originally cost me $250,” The lucky returnee told The Ranger News, “but this $15 will help me save up to pay off my student loans…”
  2. Never buy schoolbooks! You waste time (and time is money) when you have to lug around huge books all semester. Instead, opt to buy access codes from the UW-Parkside Bookstore, where they cost up to $10 less than a physical copy. Plus you do not have to worry about selling them back at the end of the semester, since your subscription will run out one week before final exams!
  3. Multitask on the job! The Ranger News knows that college kids have stressful schedules and that it can be difficult to keep up with schoolwork when you are putting in 40 hours at work a week to pay for rent, but if you do your homework on the job you can kill two birds with one stone. Besides, your boss would not think that you are slacking, they will see that you are dedicated!
  4. Walk or bike to work! Cars are costly, so put on your hiking shoes and walk to work! “I live ten miles from my job, but I walk every day,” a student told The Ranger News, “public transit doesn’t come out anywhere near my apartment, so I have to walk in the winter. And now that I have all these classes, I’ve got to carry these books out so I can read them at work…”
  5. Get a credit card! You will need to build credit, otherwise you do not exist to companies and you can not get apartments, cars, or houses!
  6. Do not get a credit card! The temptation to use it will be too much and you will not be able to get out of debt.
  7. Do not waste your money on a health plan at work (if your place of employment offers a health plan, that is). That money comes directly out of your pay and you need to be saving money to pay off your loans.
  8. Instead of investing in a medical plan, try to keep yourself healthy with natural remedies, such as fresh fruit. If you are struggling with mental health benefits, consider investing in a pet to lessen your stress.
  9. Do not buy a pet. Though they are proven to have a plethora of health benefits, especially to those with mental health issues, they are a drain on money!
  10. Do not buy food when you are hungry! You will buy too much food, even if you make a list ahead of time. If you are reading this article and there is nothing in your house, remember: do not shop when hungry. Do not shop when you are out of food. Save that money for your student loans.
  11. Do not buy a meal plan! Even though it gives you half off the price of any food in the Brickstone, if you do not use it by the end of the semester all that money will go down the drain. Never mind that it will cost more if you have to spend non-meal plan money, it is not like you will be spending 10-plus hours on campus a day because you are trying to get out of school in four years or anything.
  12. Cut out your vices! The Ranger News has been informed that smoking and drinking is bad for health, so why not cut it out altogether. Sure, this is the first time in your life that you are legally allowed to drink and smoke (of any kind) is a hallmark of the college experience, but you need to be thinking of those loans!
  13. Take as many classes as possible! And do not shy away from those early morning classes, either! You will need to take as many classes as you can if you do not want to waste your money by being in college longer than necessary.
  14. Do not buy coffee! It is too expensive for college students to afford. If you add up all the money a student pays for coffee for a year, you could slowly chip away at your student loans. You should be getting at least eight hours of sleep anyways, so you do not need coffee!
  15. Do not go on expensive vacations! The Ranger News has done math, and if you saved up those thousands of dollars that you are surely using on expensive spring, summer and winter break vacations you would be able to pay back your student loans in no time flat! And remember, when you finish paying off those loans you can finally start saving for retirement!

*“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.