Brickstone adds bar to the dining hall amenities

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Beer is the newest item on the Brickstone’s menu. Students are free to linger and study for finals. Hey, they know you’re broke, but please pay your tabs. They have a wife and three kids to feed!

HUNTER FRENCH | frenc091@rangers.uwp.edu

UW-Parkside’s number one (and only) cafeteria, the Brickstone, has made an exciting announcement: as of Nov. 31, a new stand has opened next to Sizzlers burger bar: Guzzlers alcohol bar.

A totally not questionable decision

When asked about whether or not it was a good idea to open a bar on a college campus, an official from the Chancellor’s office replied, “Students and faculty alike have very busy schedules, and this helps us relieve stress from the convenience of our very own cafeteria,” taking a swig from his water bottle, “and there are barely any risks involved. I mean, we live on a campus where most of our students are commuters, so we don’t have to worry about drunks causing problems in the dorms. Plus, it’s more efficient: Students can now multitask studying and drinking and save time to do other productive activities.”

Great timing or a sinister plot?

This decision opens Guzzlers mere weeks before final exams. While this may seem like a totally rad idea bro, there may be more to this decision than meets the eye. This fall’s freshman class is the largest in years, and we have all noticed it when we try to park every morning. It is possible that Guzzlers intends to inebriate students before they take their finals to cause them to fail and open more parking for the spring semester.

Bearly News wishes everyone a safe finals season, and urges everyone to please test responsibly.

“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.”

First AI student to attend UW-Parkside

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UW-Parkside’s first ever robot student, Sonny.

HOLLACE VILLARREAL | villa068@rangers.uwp.edu

After seeing all the press from the first AI citizen in Syria, UW-Parkside developed and designed its own ideal student, who will be attending classes this coming spring.

A new kind of student

The student, named Sonny Turing, was designed by a team of both computer science and pre-engineering students at UW-Parkside.

“He was designed with Parkside in mind,” one student said, looking after him fondly as he played with toy blocks, “Like, he may not have been able to get into Madison, but he’ll excel here.”

The student stopped the interview here, as Sonny was putting the blocks into his mouth.

“His intelligence is being uploaded right now,” a supervising professor told The Ranger News as we watched the student and the android argue over toys. “We’ve slowed the process. We’re trying to give him a ‘childhood’ so that he might relate to other students when he talks to them.”

Sonny’s future at UW-Parkside

Sonny was designed to excel in his courses, so he has already taken a few mock general education classes so that the teachers can become accustomed to him, as well as serving as a test run for his programming.

When asked about his intelligence for the courses, as it was previously stated that his intelligence was still being uploaded, the student in charge of the project laughed.

“I mean, they’re just gen eds! Anyone can pass them!”

The AI will be starting the spring semester on probation, but since his intelligence will be uploaded, he should be able to bring his grades up in no time.  

Graduation and beyond

The Ranger News got the exclusive opportunity to interview Sonny himself. Sonny’s major is going to be computer science.

“I want to be a doctor for my own people,” he explained to The Ranger News. He was very articulate for someone smashing blocks together.

The Ranger News asked him what he planned on doing after college. Sonny seemed to freeze, unable to answer and unable to move on.

“That happens when you ask him about the future,” the supervising professor said, pressing a button on Sonny’s neck, “He’ll be fine after a quick nap.”

Be sure to look out for Sonny in the halls and give him a big UW-Parkside welcome!  

“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.”

Parkside major spotlight: new major for Jedi

HOLLACE VILLARREAL | villa068@rangers.uwp.edu

One of UW-Parkside’s affiliates, the Creative Arts Resources Building (CARB) is offering a brand new major: a Jedi major!

A new field of study

This new field comes in light of the Star Wars events that have been taking place all over campus.

“I never thought so many people would have an interest in this,” one professor dressed in strange robes told us, “I’m excited to use my years of training to teach the younger generation!”

He then told us to call him a Jedi Master from now on, which The Ranger News politely declined.

Class structure

A professor showed The Ranger News exactly how a class would go for an intro-level Jedi class.

“First we teach them all about midichlorians. I know that it’s a shaky area of study, but they need it for their science gen-ed course. Then we teach them how to sword fight with sticks, a precursor to the lightsabers. Hopefully we get some actual lightsabers in by the time they become upper level students…” he trailed off. “Where was I? Oh yes, then we teach them how to run around and jump.”

When asked about their Force training, the professor laughed.

“We can’t teach them how to use the Force, it needs to come from within. They must learn it themselves.”

He then showed The Ranger News a room full of legal adults trying to levitate sticks.

“No one has managed it yet, but I heard that Johnson made hers wiggle once.”

Real-world application

When asked about the real-world application of the program, the professor shifted nervously.

“We haven’t found any real internships for these students, but we have been featured on Stan Lee’s Superhumans once. We got about a hundred dollars for department funding for that. Hopefully we can continue to get such patronage in the future.”

Enrollment for these classes begins in the spring, but be warned: there are no refunds. May the Force be with you.

 

The Rita secedes from university

HOLLACE VILLARREAL | villa068@rangers.uwp.ed

After years of unfair treatment, the Rita Tallent Picken Regional Center for Arts and Humanities has finally decided to secede from UW-Parkside.

Behind the news

This story has developed so quickly that The Ranger News has been unable to cover the riots and elections that went into the seceding of CART Hall. However, now that the situation has stabilized and it is safe to send reporters into the previously hazardous warzone of CART Hall, The Ranger News will strive to give you full coverage of the story.

An exclusive interview

The leader of The Rita’s movement to secede from Parkside sat down with The Ranger News for an exclusive interview.

“Why did we secede?” he laughed, “Why wouldn’t we secede? Our ruler was an undead bear! I know he died without an heir, but that doesn’t mean you can just reanimate him and expect us to go along with what he says willingly.”

The Ranger News tried to reason with him, telling him that Ranger Bear had no real power anymore and that he was more of a figurehead than anything in this day and age. The man would not listen.

“He’s giving all of our funding to the sciences,” the leader ranted, “Newspaper doesn’t have any funding either, you should join us!”

While it was true that members of The Ranger News left the organization to join The Rita’s paper-The Stranger News-this reporter would not be swayed.

When asked about what their new university would be called, the representative replied, “Well, we didn’t want to be called CART anymore. That’s such a dumb name, who even came up with it?”

He then proceeded to tell us that the new name would be the Creative Arts Resources Building. The CARB for short.

“We’ve declared ourselves to be our own university!” the representative continued, “No longer will you need Gen Eds to make it to graduation. And we’ll have fun majors, like typecasting, quiddich, and jedi!”

When asked how they became an accredited college, the representative laughed.

“A what now?”

Enrollment for the spring semester is now open.

 

“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.”

 

High speed cat chase around campus

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EMILY ERGEN | ergen001@rangers.uwp.edu

In recent events, there has been a cat hiding out stalking its prey in the woods on the UW-Parkside campus. It was only in the best interest of the safety of the students and staff who live and work here that one student “go rogue” and catch the cat.

From here to there

The first sighting of this black cat was in the field of Pike River Suites. The cat was seen stalking students and chasing them down, leaping on them to knock them down. One source, who strongly wants to go unnamed, was traumatized and states. “I saw the cat knock down a full-grown man, bite him, and then dragged the poor guy back into the woods.”

Another sighting of the cat was around the Brickstone. As the cat trotted around students stood frozen like sculptures, each trying to avoid being its next victim. But to their surprise, the cat only wanted to try human food.

After the cat had been feasting on humans for about a week, students starting noticing that he had cut back on chasing humans. Instead the humans were chasing it around, when suddenly they fatefully chased it into a power generator.

“When I chased him into the power generator, all I saw were bright lights and sparks flying everywhere,” stated a senior student who had nothing else better to do than to chase a cat for fun. The student then said, “The cat crept out of the power generator with smoke feathering from the top of his head, and I knew right then and there I had to go!”

The last sighting of the cat as a free animal was by our rogue student, Abbie, who bravely held out a piece of ham and lead the cat into a cage.

Behind bars

After being locked behind bars I had the pleasure of interviewing the cat. He revealed that his name was Bernice and he did not particularly enjoy being this evil cat, answering the mystery of why he tried the Brickstone food. The cat also said “it wasn’t until after I was shocked into a new persona by the power generator that I wanted to turn my life around.” He still reminisces on his evil days however, “if it weren’t for you and your rogue student, I’d still be feeding off students.”

“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.”