Chancellor Ford throws military parade

TRAVIS NORTHERN | north004@rangers.uwp.edu

Between making a controversial decision about forced dining plans and offering free tuition to low-income students, the University of Wisconsin-Madison has made numerous national headlines over the last month. To draw attention away from its rival, UW-Parkside is throwing a sizable military parade next week.

“I deem it perfectly necessary to demonstrate our school’s raw might in such a public manner,” UW-Parkside Chancellor Ford tweeted this morning. “I will not be outdone by Rocket Woman Chancellor Blank.”

To afford the parade, the required expenses will likely include public funding, segregated fees, student donations, professor salaries, the school’s computer system, the Den, and all of the curly fries that the Brickstone has left in stock.

Without a doubt, it will be a costly endeavor. That being said, it if draws attention away from UW-Madison even for a minute, then no price is too high.

Portal to Lovecraftian dimension opens in campus tunnels

cave-718142_960_720TRAVIS NORTHERN | north004@rangers.uwp.edu

But no one wants to go down there long enough to deal with it.

 

Ever since the Parkside Oddities held their last “Haunted Tunnels” in 2016, no one has checked on the D2 level of the school. During the first week of the semester, a lost freshman misunderstood their class schedule and wandered the tunnels beneath campus.

Down in the darkness, they saw a horrific sight. A massive portal to an alternate dimension has opened beneath Wylie Hall.

“It is probably just another project from the Chemistry Club,” said Scruffy, a member of the custodial staff. “I would try not to stress about it.”

Bearly News is run by college students, so regardless of Scruffy’s advice, we stressed about it. After our investigation of recent trends on campus, we have justifiable reasons to believe that the portal has been opened by Cthulhu, the ancient cosmic entity from Lovecraftian lore.

Call of Calculus

Things began to appear amiss when the Necronomicon became the most popular text at the bookstore.

Similarly, saggy pants and ugg boots have been replaced by the newest fashion trend of black cloaks with shadowy hoods. Administration even reports that thousands of requests have poured in for the school to add a certificate program for Eldritch magic.

“The university takes pride in its acceptance of people from all ethnic backgrounds, so I wanted to keep an open mind,” a campus recruiter commented, “However, I did notice an abnormally large spike in attendance from lizard people this semester. But hey, if it raises the graduation rate, I am perfectly okay with it.”

These strange clues around campus seem to verify the theory that Cthulhu has come to conquer UW-Parkside and add it to his subterranean kingdom. This opens the door for another question: what needs to be done about it?

Grovelling 101

Hypothetically, exterminators could deal with the portal, but all of the qualified candidates have called the desolate Parkside tunnels “far too spooky” for them.

Therefore, until the portal closes, all students are advised to appease any of Cthulhu’s demands to avoid the consequences of his wrath. The RITA’s costume department has been commissioned to add tentacles to Ranger Bear, and Straylight will now only be accepting submissions written in R’leyh Glyphs.

From cowering in a broom closet, this has been the Bearly News. Praise Cthulhu, long may he reign.

“Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.

Ranger Bear rolls in: Diving deeper into the past of our mascot

ranger car
The oldest photo of Ranger Bear uncovered from the head archivist’s collection

HOLLACE VILLARREAL | Villa068@rangers.uwp.edu

Ranger Bear serial

The Bearly News dove deeper into the past of Ranger Bear… what was found was shocking.

The more the Bearly News looked into our beloved school mascot, the more we realized: no one really knows where Ranger Bear came from. T. Ruxpin, our hired private eye, worked hard to dredge up some details while the Bearly News hoped someone could help to answer our questions.

Questions unanswered

“What do you mean, ‘where did Ranger Bear come from’?” An alumnus asked, laughing over the phone, “The woods, of course!”

“He lives in Petrifying Springs, right by campus!” His handler told the Bearly News, when we approached Ranger Bear at a press meeting. The bear himself would not take any questions.

“He’s been here longer than I have,” the Dean of Students told us, “Longer than anyone, really. He’s recently celebrated his 50th anniversary, you know.”

His 50th anniversary? We had to know more. The Bearly News headed to the archives.

Research time

“W-what? Ranger Bear? I can barely believe that you care about him! He’s harmless!” An archives worker expressed when we set to work.

We dug through the hundreds of stacks of unread copies of The Ranger News, hoping for some clues. However, there seemed to be no mention of him. Nothing, not even a picture. However, all the newspapers seemed to be… missing something.

“I heard you were looking for information on Ranger Bear.” A voice said from behind us. We started and turned to see the head archivist with a crazed look in her eyes. “I’ve waited years for this day, to find someone else as suspicious as I am.”

She led us from the archives to a back room where, on the walls, were dozens of newspaper clippings, all centered around Ranger Bear. It was amazing and horrifying.

The archives worker pointed to an photo on the wall. The picture is attached below, the earliest known image of Ranger Bear.

“He came out of nowhere, rolling up in his car like he owned the place,” the archivist told us, “It’s crazy, really. Everyone knows that bears can’t drive!”

Truly baffling. P. I. T. Ruxpin and this reporter shared a look. We knew we had just hit the tip of the iceberg.

“Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.

 

No One Attends Parkside’s Game of Thrones Extravaganza

hall of facesTRAVIS NORTHERN | north004@rangers.uwp.edu

The attendance sheets are dark and full of terrors.

In the middle of November 2017, the University of Wisconsin—Parkside hosted a week-long extravaganza dedicated to all things Star Wars. Based on a wave of positive community feedback, the effort was determined to be a smashing success.

To keep up the momentum, the university decided to cater to the fanbase of another popular franchise: HBO’s “Game of Thrones.”

This new series of events took place during the Winterim, with each of them focusing on different aspects of the beloved television series. For reasons unknown, the extravaganza was about as popular as the terrible King Joffrey.

Winterim is coming

To kick off the extravaganza, the Brickstone hosted its Game of Thrones-themed eating contest. Elated by the prospect of free food, a horde of students flocked to the cafeteria.

However, when the main dish of the night was revealed, all of the contestants opted out of the competition.

“You know, we probably should have thought that through,” said one of the cooks, standing before a table of raw horse hearts.

Later that afternoon, the event’s keynote speaker, a professional executioner, visited the Rita to present a live demonstration of a beheading. Posters and handbills even advertised numerous opportunities for student participation.

Despite the bold marketing strategy, not a single seat was filled on the day of the lecture.

Questionable hires

Due to the popularity of the character Arya Stark, the university hosted a gallery in her honor. To mimic the show’s iconic House of Black and White, display stands showcased a wide array of severed human faces. Shockingly, no one attended this event either.

“I never understand the kids these days,” said the collection’s owner, shaking his head. “When I was their age, I would have killed to see something like this.”

When asked to comment further, the collector was unable to comply, because campus police had already escorted him to a squad car.

The attendance never raised, not for the Red Wedding reenactment, not for the discussion panel on sacrificing children to a fire deity, and not for Caring for your Shadow Baby from the Dark Dimension: a Seminar.

Most tragically of all, animal lovers were disappointed to discover that the “Therapy Dragons” advertised in the library were actually bearded dragons, a common species of small lizards. After thorough examination, the Bearly News has verified that they do not breathe fire.

A Dream of Spring

The only salvageable event appears to be the “Game of Thrones” fan fiction contest, which author George R.R. Martin himself has entered.

Unfortunately, the winner has not yet been announced. The contest is delayed indefinitely until Martin’s entry is submitted, if he ever finishes writing it.

One professor that helped coordinate the series was saddened about the poor reception, but she firmly believes that the failure was a fluke.

“The extravaganzas are just getting started,” she declares. “In the spring semester, we are planning to host a “Breaking Bad” extravaganza, a “Sons of Anarchy” extravaganza, and a “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” extravaganza. The students are going to love it.”

“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.”

 

Part one of “Ranger Bear or Stranger Bear”

RangerBear_badbackgroundHOLLACE VILLARREAL | villa068@rangers.uwp.edu

Here at Bearly News, we have long admired our beloved school mascot, Ranger Bear, and had many spotlights on him. However, it has come to our attention that he may not be all that he seems. Indeed, it seems that behind that friendly, menacing smile, there might be dark secrets waiting to be uncovered. Thus, Bearly News has decided to delve deep into his past and current life on campus in our new serial–Ranger Bear or Stranger Bear? Bearly News is working to find hard evidence to answer the question–who really is Ranger Bear?

The initial investigation

The investigation into Ranger Bear started innocently enough. Bearly News simply planned on doing a spotlight on the man behind the mask, Ranger Bear’s handler. However, when Bearly News asked around the office for campus organizations, we were met with shady looks and dodged questions. After being shooed from the office, Bearly News knew that it was time to pull out the big guns.

A little help

We hired T. Ruxpin, the best private investigator for all bear-related incidents in southeastern Wisconsin, to help us find out about the man behind the mascot.

Bearly News returned to the campus organizations office with PI Ruxpin. Though this reported for Bearly News was detained in the lobby, PI Ruxpin snuck in. What he saw horrified him.

 

“Participation trophies,” PI Ruxpin said, shuddering, “just, the sheer volume of them. No mascot could have lived long enough to earn that many participation trophies.”

He’d tried to take a picture, but the door was closed in his face. This reporter caught a glimpse before the door closed. The magnitude of Ranger’s Bear’s mediocrity–Parkside’s true spirit–was baffling.

When asked about the trophies, an associate from the offices tried to placate us.

“He’s just inside this bag,” she’d said, pointing to a duffle bag, “It’s just a costume, kids.”

However, she refused to open the bag. An oscillating fan operating nearby shifted the bag a little to the left.

“The average bear weighs about 600 pounds,” PI Ruxpin told Bearly News later that day, presumably after googling it. “There’s no way an office fan could have moved him.”

So who is telling the truth? Is Ranger Bear merely a mascot? Where did he come from? Whatever the case, this reporter and Bearly News will get to the bottom of it.

“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.”