Ranger Bear’s latest victim

Ranger Bear Sniff
Ranger Bear sniffing out his prey, us. (via UWP Archives)

HOLLACE VILLARREAL | villa068@rangers.uwp.edu

The search for the true identity of Ranger Bear takes a dangerous turn

 

When we last left off, this Bearly News reporter was trapped, along with our Private Eye, T. Ruxpin, inside the basement of Ranger Bear’s den. We had just recognized missing students scattered across his walls. Then, we stared deep into Ranger Bear’s mouth, into the eyes of a trapped individual.

“There’s someone trapped inside Rager Bear,” T. Ruxpin told the Bearly News in hushed tones as we hid behind a couch, “We need to free them.”

The Bearly News reminded T. Ruxpin that we are a media organization and that we do not get into the affairs that we report on, as that would create a bias and a moral grey area. T. Ruxpin made no comment and slowly crept closer to the beloved mascot.

Ranger Bear was moving through the house-cave, tilting his head upwards as if he were sniffing the air. T. Ruxpin froze. This reporter leaned up to snap a picture of the bear in action, but was tackled to the ground by T. Ruxpin, rendering the photograph useless.

“Do you want to get us killed?” T. Ruxpin asked, his voice a low hiss. This reporter could not answer, as this is not an opinion piece.

Ranger Bear seemed to have been alerted by the noise and the flash. He stomped over to us, dirt from the floor shaking with every step. T. Ruxpin and this reporter held our breath, trying to hide. It was futile. Ranger Bear stood in front of us, glaring down behind his sewn-on eyes.

“Who are you?” The Bearly News asked, holding up a recorder to the Bear. All we received is an audio recording of heavy breathing. However, he did take off his mask to reveal:

The face of Ranger Bear

 

Professor Carpwitz, the advising professor for The Bearly News and “Feralglow”, the school’s literary magazine.

“Is this why you’ve been missing meetings?” The Bearly News asked, shaky hand holding out the recording device.

The professor did not speak, but instead turned to T. Ruxpin.

“You’ve shown school spirit,” Ranger Bear said. The Bearly News would like to disclaim that, though we now knew that Professor Carpwitz was inside the suit, he still did not move his mouth to speak. The voice seemed to be coming from the head of the costume, held out in the professor’s hands.

The Bearly News would also like to point out the extraordinary school spirit that T. Ruxpin had displayed in the past, including going to a sports game once a semester, attending an after-class activity once a month, and going to the Bridge for free food every day at noon. In more recent times, he happened to be wearing a Parkside hoodie on School Spirit Day. By all accounts, he was wild about our fine institution.

A new Ranger Bear

“You have been granted the honor of becoming Ranger Bear,” Ranger Bear said, lowering the head onto the shocked T. Ruxpin.

This reporter took this distracted opportunity to run to the bedroom, locking the door. Hopefully the editor of the Bearly News can receive this, and the artists rendition of the bear I have included, in time for help to arrive.

“Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news. 

Campus receives its first armed teacher

Orchestra
Dr. Chester conducting an evening concert; the performers hit every note.

A spotlight on the safest classroom on campus

TRAVIS NORTHERN
north004@rangers.uwp.edu

In order to protect students from potential attacks on campus, Dr. Winn Chester, an associate professor of music at UW-Parkside, has decided to carry a weapon on his person as he teaches his classes. Curious about the ramifications of arming teachers with firearms, Bearly News contacted Dr. Chester for an interview.

Our reporters were permitted to attend his class for a day and ask him questions about his new routine. “I am so thrilled that I am finally able to exercise my right to bear arms at work. It keeps the government from turning Wisconsin into a dystopian police state,” he said, polishing his .44 magnum in a room full of college students.

A reasonable setup

After a notable figure produced a series of official, prestigious and very eloquent tweets, Dr. Chester found himself inspired to obtain a weapon for his workplace. “They made us take hours of classes for protocol and safety,” he recaps. “But of course, I did not finish a single page of the homework. Do the instructors not know how busy I am?”

Thankfully, the professor is already a highly skilled gunman, even without the instruction. “I shot a raccoon in my backyard once,” he said. “I may as well be special forces.”

Dr. Chester’s philosophy is that the next opponent could be hiding just around the corner. Consequently, he is constantly on high alert, ready to end a life in the blink of an eye. As a result, the weapon is always on his desk, staring straight at his class of music majors.

A reasonable interaction

The music professor has not yet needed to defend himself from an actual attacker, but the presence of the firearm in his classroom does have benefits. Reports show that grades have improved by 200%, and it is easy to see why.

Throughout the lecture, students paid extremely close attention to every movement the professor made. Their eyes were wide with excitement, and they were sweating with enthusiasm.

At one point, a freshman threateningly reached into her suspicious handbag. With the reflexes of a bengal tiger, Dr. Chester readied his weapon and prepared for a shootout. Terrified, the student procured a packet of chewing gum with a shaky hand.

Dr. Chester was not appeased until she surrendered the Hubba Bubba as reparations for the fright she had caused. His heroism inspires us all.

This is all totally reasonable

Because the first instance of arming a teacher has gone so well at UW-Parkside, the practice is clearly a success. Only three or four students from Mr. Chester’s class have been sent to the hospital under unknown circumstances this week, and no mass shootings have occurred on campus.

We here at Bearly News feel completely protected from potential attacks to the student body. That being said, this reporter will be applying to cancel his enrollment in the music program as soon as possible.

There is no specific reason behind the relocation; variety just happens to be the spice of life. From in front of the desk of an armed teacher, this has been a Bearly News spotlight.

“Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.

Following the trail of Ranger Bear’s victims

29547546_1714779428583458_1751061589_nHOLLACE VILLARREAL | villa068@rangers.uwp.edu

The ongoing investigation continually provides more questions than answers 

In the hunt for Ranger Bear’s true identity, Private Eye T. Ruxpin and this Bearly News reporter spent many nights awake, sifting through archival documents. However, the time had come for us to put research aside and to do some investigation straight at the source.

I will not tell you how we got into his den, or indeed if it was legal. We needed answers. Who was Ranger Bear? Where was his child? And for the love of god, why does he sleep in a cave in Petrifying Springs?

Following the “Bear Tracks”

When we walked into his 1970’s furnished home with a thick layer of dust throughout the cave, covering the shag carpet and obscuring all the photographs, we thought we might have hit a dead end. I admit that I felt close to giving up. However, T. Ruxpin saw something that I did not.

“Bear Tracks,” he said, holding up an empty ice cream carton, “he must still live here.”

This reporter pointed out the footprints we saw as well, leading in a direct path to the basement stairs. The stairs were dark and ominous, and the investigation was almost cancelled right on the spot, but for the sake of our readers and, indeed, for the sake of the truth, we persisted.

The basement

What we saw in the basement was astonishing and horrifying. All around the dimly lit room were Polaroids. People smiling out through the ages. Under closer inspection every person seemed to be wearing a UW-Parkside jersey. It even seemed to be the same one.

“Do their shoulders seem… odd?” T. Ruxpin asked. This reporter looked closer. They were furry. Everyone’s shoulders were brown and furry.

Bearly News asked if T. Ruxpin thought they might all be Ranger Bear. Such a leading question is generally unacceptable, but T. Ruxpin simply nodded in horror.

“But what about their heads?” T. Ruxpin asked.

What about the head?

We turned to investigate the basement further. As we got deeper the pictures became more recent.

“That was the boy that went missing in the woods this fall,” T. Ruxpin said, pointing to a photograph. Having run his student ID picture through the newspaper several times, this reporter recognized him.

Finally, we reached the edge of the basement. In the deepest, darkest corner we saw what looked like a nest. Above it hung the photograph included in this article.

“It’s Ranger Bear,” T. Ruxpin said, “But what… what’s in his mouth?”

It looked like eyes. A nose. Someone was trapped inside.

This reporter was going to suggest something, pure conjecture about the fate of all of the students and a reason why they might be in Ranger Bear, but from behind us there was a noise. Heavy breathing muffled by a furry head.

Ranger Bear was onto us. This dedicated reporter is in the closet, typing it out this article in desperation. Please, if you have any news on bear sightings contact Bearly News.

“Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.

 

Ranger Bear’s secret child

junior bear (1)
A haunting family portrait.

The hunt for truth: Is Ranger Bear really a solitary creature?

HOLLACE VILLARREAL | villa068@rangers.uwp.edu

Late at night, T. Ruxpin and this Bearly News reporter poured over the documents from Ranger Bear’s past. We had to look before the sun rose and we were kicked out of the Archives by the campus security. The files we were viewing were top secret, for the eyes of only the Head Archivist and the Dean.

“How do you have access to this?” Bearly News had asked the shaky archives assistant who logged into the computer for us.

“We can only afford one password.” She’d replied, before unlocking a file cabinet, “And we only got the finding for one set of keys.”

New evidence

In the wee hours of the morning, this reporter found some startling evidence. TWO soulless looking Ranger Bears, and a small bear cub beside them. UW-Parkside’s logo was emblazoned across their jerseys, showing that this must have been taken after Ranger Bear came to campus.

“Junior Bear.” T. Ruxpin read from the file card, “I thought… I thought Ranger Bear was the only one of his kind.”

Who is Junior Bear?

After some more digging and another late night in the archives, we had our answer. There were multiple photographs of two Ranger Bears, sometimes accompanied by Junior Bear, throughout the old files.

“They must have been a family.” The archivist murmured, looking down at the photographs with something akin to wonder. “But I always thought that Ranger Bear was male.”

After assuring the archivist that Ranger Bear was truly a genderless being and that he most likely reproduced by asexual budding, as all evidence from his physical examinations leads us to believe that he cannot truly be alive, we looked further into Junior Bear.

Where did he go? The archive files are not in chronological order, all information regarding Ranger Bear seemed to be stuffed away in an effort to hide it and hinder investigations, so we have no way of knowing what year the photographs were taken.

“I don’t know why Ranger Bear changed his appearance,” the archives assistant told us, when asked. “I assumed it was because he was keeping up with the latest trends, but his teeth seem… sharper now. Maybe he’s been evolving.”

T. Ruxpin has agreed to look into the numerous studies done in the 1970’s on Ranger Bear’s physical form, and the question of evolution. Next week we may have some answers.

“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.”

Tips for surviving the annual goose invasion

Beware. At. Parkside.

TRAVIS NORTHERN | north004@rangers.uwp.edu

Goose Animal Bird Bill Plumage Head Poultry Hiss
Photo recovered from a student’s Snapchat—the last Snapchat she ever sent.

It is a dark time for UW-Parkside students. After months of gathering their strength, the geese are poised to return to campus.

With their arrival, they bring death, pestilence, and a screech loud enough to shake the foundations of this very building. Last year, random goose attacks nearly brought the student population to extinction.

Not only did they practice their regular strategies of pack hunts andsidewalk ambushes, but they sought after specific targets, taking down any students that dared to challenge them. The last Bearly News reporter to write a piece about goose attacks has yet to be found, and is therefore presumed dead.

To avoid suffering the same fate, follow these instructions and join the global goose resistance (GGR).

Technique one

Is something giving you the feeling that you are being watched? Do you spot a trail of droppings across the pavement? Are a pair of wings blotting out the sun?

If this describes your walk across campus at any point between February and November, you could be a potential victim of a goose attack. If you want to escape with life and limb, practice the following techniques.

Practice the safe walk. The safe walk, in this scenario, means having a freshman beside you at all times. At the first sign of danger, trip the freshman, or use them as a meat shield as you make your escape. You do not have to outrun an angry goose; you only have to outrun your fellow student.

Technique two

In instances of traversing the longer walkways on campus–unaccompanied by an aforementioned expendable–the GGR recommends carrying the ultimate precaution on your person at all times: event handbills.

Countless hours of study have demonstrated that nothing is a more effective repellent than trying to offer people handbills. If a goose approaches you, draw your stack of handbills for the next big event. Like students on the skybridge, the avian attackers should scurry in fear.

Inviting innovation

Above all, it is important to remember that anyone can survive the invasion with a little ingenuity.

One student the Bearly News interviewed has decided to lay low by donning a hyper-realistic goose disguise. “If you can’t beat them, join them,” he said, before honking erratically and charging our reporter.

One member of UWP Athletics even found a way to profit from the onslaught. “Nothing motivates me to run in the morning like a warmongering waterfowl nipping at my heels,” she stated proudly.

Students like these give the GGR hope for a better tomorrow. As the student population slowly adjusts to the return of the Canadian devils, they will learn to endure. While the countless casualties from past springs will never be forgotten, the UW-Parkside community can learn to move forward.

By following the steps above, you too may survive the annual goose invasion. The days may be dark, but the dawn will come. Until then, we can only dream of the day that the geese will fly south once more, and go bother some students in Arkansas instead.

“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.”