Parkside distributes the annual F.A.I.L. awards

TRAVIS NORTHERN | north004@rangers.uwp.edu

To cap off the 2017-2018 school year, the university has honored its hard-working students and faculty with an array of Further Achievement in Learning (F.A.I.L.) awards.

The competition was fierce this year; nomination counts were off the charts for categories including “Best Procrastinator,” “Longest Meeting,” and “Most Pretentious Professor.”

Unsung heroes

The F.A.I.L. awards are specifically dedicated to honoring the greatest achievements in UW-Parkside’s academic sphere. The event kicked off with respecting what is arguably the most important of these accomplishments: “Best Hangover Recovery.”

The winner was none other than Daniel Jack, a super senior that attended forty-five parties over the course of the year, all while maintaining a 2.4 GPA. He proudly wobbled onto the ballroom stage to collect his award.

“It’s great to finally be…” Daniel stated, before holding a hand to his temple. “Excuse me,” he resumed, adjusting his Top Gun aviator glasses. “I have to go to the bathroom.” He then disappeared for the remainder of the event.

Another underdog win came for Jane B. Fowling, who walked away with the “Sloppiest Dorm” award. Her mountain of soda cans barely beat out T. Ruxpin’s cluttered archive files on Ranger Bear. Ruxpin did, however, win the award for “Strongest School Spirit” for attending two entire sports games.

Those who cannot do

Some prominent winners in the professor categories included Dr. Ophelia Chem, who won “Driest PowerPoint” for her lecture on epipregnanolone. The slideshow featured exactly 10,439 bullet points and only a mere 11 pictures.

“Smallest Class” was expected to go to UBW 101 (Intro to Underwater Basket Weaving), but in a surprise twist, Dr. Winn Chester collected the award. The day before the ceremony, he had fourteen students enrolled in his music course. The next morning, the room was empty.

The sudden drop in attendance may have something to do with the .44 magnum on his belt, or it may have to do with the new padlock on his supply closet. Regardless, one prominent figure celebrated by Tweeting, “First armed teacher just earned a F.A.I.L. at University of Wisconsin! Great sign that we should covfefe!”

Faring less than well

Despite an excellent ceremony, the final F.A.I.L. of the year has yet to be distributed. The award for “Lamest Satire Article” had no qualifying nominees, but…hold on–my phone is ringing.

Great work, UW–Parkside! Congratulations to all winners, and good luck on finals! Remember: when in doubt, F.A.I.L.!

 

“Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news. 

What is the State of TPUSA?

TYLER STEINSDORFER | stein078@rangers.uwp.edu

One of Parkside’s conservative student organizations are in a state of disarray after a number of members discover that they are not actually conservative

Turning Point USA is a college conservative group on campus that has recently gained notoriety due to having suspected racial biases. A chapter has recently started at UW-Parkside and, as a result, a number of people have wanted to determine whether these rumors were true as well as try to learn more about the group as a whole. However, to my surprise, after conducting interviews with members of the group the Bearly News has yet to find anyone that is actually conservative.

The Truth Comes Out

“It all started when I first opened The Communist Manifesto” one group member stammered before quickly looking around to make sure no one heard him. He, as well as everyone else who agreed to be interviewed, wished to remain anonymous so as to not bring any unwanted attention to themselves. He really seemed at a loss trying to understand who he really is. He went on to describe how his parents would disown him if they knew he was actually a socialist. I really pitied the man and wanted to give him a hug and tell him everything would be okay, but he would only allow this if the phrase “no homo” was yelled an unfathomable amount of times.

Not all of the people interviewed were socialists. One girl mentioned Proudhon as often as a clingy girlfriend talks about her boyfriend. “I’m not sure how many of us are actually conservative and at this point I’m too scared to ask” the girl said. “We all just keep acting conservative because it’s what we’ve always done.”  It is difficult to say what will be the future of this organization. Only time will tell whether or not these left-wingers will actually come out of the closet or not.

“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.

The hunt for Ranger Bear draws to a close

ranger-bear
Ranger Bear contemplates his weighty job. COURTESY UW-PARKSIDE

Bearly News mourns a Private Eye and welcomes a new Ranger Bear

HOLLACE VILLARREALvilla068@rangers.uwp.edu

When PI T. Ruxpin donned the Ranger Bear suit, he changed. This Bearly News reporter ran from the scene, but was caught when the new Ranger Bear opened the door to his bedroom, where this reporter had taken refuge.

“I do not need you sniffing around,” Ranger Bear told the Bearly News, “Go home. I will file for a cease and desist.”

“Ranger Bear, you have captured UW-Parkside’s Private Investigator, T. Ruxpin. Will he be returning to class or his job?”

“No, I don’t see that happening anytime in the future.” Ranger Bear said. He answered all further interview questions with “no comment”.

This reporter was forcibly removed from the home and given a ticket for trespassing. When the Bearly News asked the campus police whether or not Ranger Bear would be ticketed for abducting T. Ruxpin, they dropped this reporter’s ticket.

Cease and desist

With a new order to cease and desist, this reporter has been taken off the case of Ranger Bear and ordered to never report on him again. Even now, when he walks through the halls, this reporter can see T. Ruxpin’s glazed-over eyes staring back at me.

Just know the truth, and know that the capable team at the Bearly News will always bring it to you. However, now that we know what we know about Ranger Bear’s succession, the Bearly News urges you to express caution when attending school events and showing school spirit. Don’t be proud, just Be. At Parkside.

A celebration banquet will be held after the ritual to sanctify the new Ranger Bear. Free refreshments, bring your own cloaks.

 

“Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news. 

April Fool’s: Seniors play Easter prank on local twerps

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The letter was found in the Chancellor’s mailbox. COURTESY OF AN ANONYMOUS JERK. 

TRAVIS NORTHERN | north004@rangers.uwp.edu

There are plenty of this people in this world deserving of punishment. However, none of them are more deserving than children. Their rampant freeloading and perpetual laziness have gone on long enough, and a legion of heroic UW-Parkside seniors have gotten the sweetest revenge.

An Easter event was planned this year on the first of April, which is conveniently the most maniacal holiday in existence (excluding Thanksgiving, of course, since nothing is more cruel than being forced to interact with your family). The children were set to have brunch with none other than the Easter bunny himself.

The serial trespasser took time out of his schedule to pander to some ungrateful gremlins, but he had no idea that he would never arrive at his destination.

The joke

The Easter bunny’s private helicopter was expected to land on the top of the RITA on that fateful morning, but instead, an anonymous note arrived in Chancellor Ford’s mailbox (picture enclosed).

Word spread quickly of the celebrity disappearance. Brats across the country begged their parents for chocolate, but the banshees wailed in vain. The egg-hiding nincompoop was out of the picture, and the kidnapping became the most ambitious April Fools’ day prank in recent memory.

The fallout

After faculty were forced to turn a horde of sniveling scamps away from UW-Parkside’s doors, an investigation began.

The Biology Club tried to identify the rabbit’s trail based on DNA tests from melted marshmallows and crushed eggshells. The Psychology Club looked to examine the mentality of suspected seniors. Campus police looked for anything they could to incriminate specific students and find that glorified mascot, yet their search was Peepless.

Even T. Ruxpin—a famous PI working on campus—failed to turn up any evidence. In fact, no one has heard from him in several weeks. This must indicate that the search for Ranger Bear is going swimmingly.

With the faltering of the search, it appears that the whining munchkins of southern Wisconsin have finally been dealt justice by a group of anonymous vigilantes. Easter turned out to be an April Fools’ joke all along and has now been cancelled for all eternity.

Maybe now the children will finally grow up, get adult jobs, and quit being entitled snowflakes already. From the secret prison of the Easter bunny, this has been the Bearly News.
“Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news. 

The Astrological Ranger

TRAVIS NORTHERN | north004@rangers.uwp.edu

Aquarius

You will read a newspaper today. Bam. See what I did there? Magic.

Pisces

The last meal you ate was laced with rat poison. Get to the nearest toilet and regurgitate it as fast as you can.

Aries

Remember: skip class, and you will not pass. Attend class, and have an existential crisis about the dwindling number of high-paying jobs in your field.

Taurus

You will win the lottery this year. The only catch is that you must hunt down every other ticket holder and give them a firm “talk”.

Gemini

Soon.

Cancer

The FBI is watching you right now through this very paper. Yes, you. Smile for the cameras!

Leo

You are feeling particularly charitable today. So charitable, in fact, that you will donate your life’s savings to the Bearly News.

Virgo

Your new spirit animal is the Canadian Goose. Have fun carrying that shame with you for all eternity.

Libra

If you do not start driving to a zoo in the next thirty seconds, the ghost of Harambe will kidnap your firstborn child.

Scorpio

Make the most of your life today. Read a book. Sing a song. Give a hug. Run a marathon. Wrestle a luchador. Befriend a mountain. Eat a forklift. The possibilities are endless.

Sagittarius

As of today, you will now be haunted by the ghost of a frog named Cletus. You will scream at Cletus in anguish, but his sole retort is a croak, for he is a frog.

Capricorn

You should be optimistic, Capricorn! You still have eleven and a half years to live before you are brutally murdered in a Las Vegas alleyway.

 

“Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.