Student finds dimensional portal

Student stumbles into basement pond; gains full scholarship and a new friend

SAMANTHA SCHROEDER

schro075@rangers.uwp.edu

On Wednesday, February 13, an unknowing UW-Parkside student decided to take the apocalypse tunnels underneath the school to avoid the snowfall, thinking he would have less chance of slipping.

Thomas Peterson was wrong

“I thought it was oil at first, then I realized it was water,” the student said. “There was even green algae growing in it and I thought I spotted some tiny goldfish swimming in the gunk… So, I reached to grab one. Right after that is when I noticed the sign on the wall looked a bit different – the arrow was facing the opposite way.”

Thomas described falling into the tunnel’s pond like slipping off a wet wooden deck into a lukewarm swimming pool. The lava lamp-colored water had a faint chemical smell to it, due to it possibly being created from a dripping pipe above. He went on to describe how he tried to lean against the concrete wall to try to brace himself, stepped out of the overgrown puddle and went on to walk to class. The student tried his best to ignore the damp, bleach-like scent on his clothes while attempting to focus on copying down the lecture notes before his philosophy professor rushed to the next slide.

“I saw the orange fish maybe four slides into the presentation. The tail was flopping over the zipper on the smallest pocket of my black pack. I didn’t know what to do. I ended up putting it in my water bottle on the desk. The weird part is, the kid next to me didn’t say anything.”

Somehow, this dedicated student continued with the rest of his day as scheduled. He had the Down Home meal at the Brickstone; potatoes and beans, caught up with friends, studied in his nook overlooking the woods at the library and even remembered not to drink from his water bottle. Thomas then went online to pay his spring tuition, crossing his fingers that he wouldn’t have to sell them at the black-market to pay for his five classes.

“That’s when I really knew something was up. All my classes had been paid for. Amount owed was at zero dollars. ‘No outstanding fees at this time’. Couldn’t be real. I knew I had to go back to the pond.”

Returning

The pond was right where he left it, only looking a little cleaner this time. He thought that it was created by rainwater in the alternate UW-Parkside, a much more forgiving one. Thomas, with a bit more grace this time, climbed into the pond, held his breath and came up the other side. He shared his story the following Friday at a table on the Bridge. His only complaint was that his roommate, Josh, didn’t like the new fish.

UW-Parkside Spirit Week 2019

The one they shall talk about for generations

SETH HAMMEN

hamme024@rangers.uwp.edu

With the weekend approaching, we say goodbye to another Spirit Week. Among the staple highlights were, of course, the durian eating contest and the gnushk-a-thon, but we here at the Ranger News thought it would be fun to go back through our favorite experiences.

A proper send off

One very fast favorite was obviously the Bubble Bowl II. Thanks to the cruel bait-and-switch at the halftime show of Superbowl LIII, fans of the Stephen Hillenburg era of the show “Spongebob Squarepants” were left without a tribute to this monumental mariner. Mr. Hillenburg can finally rest in peace, however, thanks to the wonderful halftime performance at the sportsball game last Friday. Enormous accolades go to our marine biology and music departments for collaborating in their effort to not only catch the 128-fish orchestra, but also to get them show-ready in such a short amount of time.

The dress-up days

Of course, one simply cannot have a proper Spirit Week without the dress-up days. Monday’s “Favorite Vegetable Day” was entertainingly successful; nobody could have anticipated the sheer number of people that happened to own an eggplant costume.

The same goes for Tuesday with “Celebrity Day.” Who would have thought Richard Simmons was held in such high regard by dozens upon dozens of college students?

One of the most astounding discoveries had to be this school’s love for Clementine Paddleford, a food writer who worked for the “New York Herald Tribune” back in the 1930’s. For “Hero Day” on Wednesday, no less than HALF the entire student population sported some sort of submarine sandwich memorabilia.

And of course, it is unlikely anybody is ever going to forget “SCP Day,” which took place on Thursday. Due to the sudden [DATA REDACTED] that caused a pair of freshman boys to accidentally [DATA REDACTED] and subsequently release SCP-[DATA REDACTED] into the building, it is unlikely that that particular theme will ever be repeated. On a more positive note, the remaining biology professors have finally figured out a way to reverse the [DATA REDACTED], so at the very least, everybody’s eyebrows should return to normalcy within the next few weeks.

Horoscopes 2/20/2019

Aries:

Today is the day, Aries. You’ve been waiting so long, and with such patience, but it has finally, finally come. You’ve been here for five years, but today you will figure out who your academic advisor is and fight them. That’s how you graduate, right?

Cancer:

You have a question you’re yearning to ask. Today you will realize that there are stupid questions.

Taurus:

You’ve been painting your nails, but they never dry. Once they dry, they chip. You patch the paint job. It takes three more hours to dry. You gingerly open your textbook and there, on the page, is a chip of nail polish.

Leo:

You are so dedicated to horoscopes that you read into your own and found out you were dramatic. Thrilled to be learning so much about yourself, you applied to Parkside for drama classes. You’ve failed all your classes last semester. Your mom will call today. She wants to tell you the news, the news she should have told you ages ago. You see, you’re adopted–and a Virgo.

Gemini:

Today you will get a call from your doctor. It appears you always were supposed to be a twin, you just never let the other one out.

Virgo:

You tried to help others last week and it went disastrously. To achieve perfection in helping others, the secret is to never offer help, and to vanish into the shadows when asked for it. You have already perfected doing nothing.

Libra:

Your life is a balancing act, one tip from any side and you will come crumbling to the ground. I offer you no tips.

Capricorn:

You have it all planned, every day. You’ve done it, you absolute madman, you’ve planned your whole life out down to the very second. Oh, what an achievement! But… oh dear, it’s appeared you skipped next Tuesday! All sixty-seven remaining years of your life are off kilter! I suppose you’ll just have to throw it all out and start over.

Scorpio:

You’ve studied the noble grizzly bear and have decided to try it. You’ve decided to hibernate until next fall.

Aquarius:

You’re angry about the planet, you really are. But fear not! There is a list of the people who have destroyed it, and you are smart enough to find their addresses too.

Sagittarius:

You decided to go off, to go on one of those exchange student trips! No one ever told you, though, that there is a no return policy on your exchange.

Pisces:

You deserve a break. Sleep through your classes today (if you glue on googly eyes, they’ll never notice).

UW-Parkside’s new leaders implement change

ROSEMARY SCHWEITZER

schwe035@rangers.uwp.edu

The strange happenings continue to plague campus in wake of recent discoveries

 

With the recent revelation that the center of campus is also the center of the entire universe, a move purposefully orchestrated by the physics and mathematics departments of UW-Parkside will affect the entire community. Acting as a gate opening to a multidimensional space, the plaque marking the center of campus has been spitting out strange beings for over a week. These beings, strangely, have refused to speak with anyone other than the “fools that brought [them] here.” This has left the students and faculty of the physics and mathematics departments as the only ones capable of acting as diplomats. The brave diplomats have taken on their new positions with staggering humility, only making that they now be referred to as the Overlords.

 

Surprise budget cuts

The Bearly News was not able to determine much about the diplomatic talks, but from what we can discern, the extra dimensional beings have granted their summoners total power over UW-Parkside. Earlier this week, a substantial amount of funding was diverted from various areas and given to the Overlords. Though it is impossible to tell exactly where this funding has come from, several majors including geoscience, geography, and exercise sciences are no longer offered by the university.

In addition to these canceled majors, all sports programs have been disbanded—effective immediately. When asked for some explanation as to why these actions have been taken, the Overlords only scoffed and walked away from our reporters. However, we do know that all scheduled sporting events will be replaced with science fairs, math meets and even an academic decathlon, so attendees are being urged to keep any tickets that have already been purchased.

New dining option

The final, most notable change in campus since the Overlords have assumed command, is the replacement of Erbert’s and Gerbert’s with a restaurant serving multidimensional delicacies. This new dining option, The Restaurant at the Center of the Universe, has raised a few eyebrows in the short time it has been available. The primary issue being that no one is quite sure how to pay for their meals. Currently the new restaurant is not covered under student dining plans, much like Erbert’s and Gerbert’s used to be, but The Restaurant at the Center of the Universe does not seem to take American currency. In fact, the restaurant does not seem to be accepting any currency known to humans. Instead, cashiers have been asking for dreams, memories, and small tastes of customer’s auras as payment for food.

In the mounting confusion that is likely only to escalate from here, the Bearly News will continue to ask the tough questions and bring the students of UW-Parkside the answers they deserve.

Professor suspects thief in their classroom

TYLER STEINSDORFER

stein078@rangers.uwp.edu

Professor Suzanne Swiderski claimed that her classroom was preyed upon by a thief

A series of weird happenings have been going on in Molinaro 149 involving the appearance and disappearance of different items. A professor in the English department claims that this occurrence is the act of a nefarious thief, possibly two. In addition, they went as far to make a mind-boggling claim that the room may be used as a storeroom for the thieves’ stolen goods.

The incident

It all started on a dark and stormy afternoon when they found a pair of glasses in their classroom that  have not been collected by anyone. She thought this to be the most peculiar since they did not really understand how someone that needed glasses to see could go so long without them.

At that point in time, the professor had no reason to believe that it had anything to do with theft, however the idea began to sprout in her mind after witnessing other things mysteriously appear in the room.

Other items that showed up were a festive mug, twenty cents and a bottle of water. The professor as well as a number of her students did not really know what to say to this until the money vanished from the room as quickly as it originally appeared. “It must have been stolen,” the professor declared, begging the question: can something be stolen if it doesn’t belong to anybody?

Thoughts and impressions

The Professor believes that there must be two different thieves at large. Their reason for this is that the first thief could have stolen all of the previously mentioned objects, but the second thief later stole the money from the first thief’s “hideout”. She hopes that the culprits are brought to justice and are aptly punished for their transgressions, and that in addition the original owners of this items comes to the room so that they retrieve their lost possessions.

One can only hope that the owners of these stolen goods will be able to be reconnected with their lost items and that no one else will be affected by this.