Satire

Horoscopes 2/20/2019


Aries:

Today is the day, Aries. You’ve been waiting so long, and with such patience, but it has finally, finally come. You’ve been here for five years, but today you will figure out who your academic advisor is and fight them. That’s how you graduate, right?

Cancer:

You have a question you’re yearning to ask. Today you will realize that there are stupid questions.

Taurus:

You’ve been painting your nails, but they never dry. Once they dry, they chip. You patch the paint job. It takes three more hours to dry. You gingerly open your textbook and there, on the page, is a chip of nail polish.

Leo:

You are so dedicated to horoscopes that you read into your own and found out you were dramatic. Thrilled to be learning so much about yourself, you applied to Parkside for drama classes. You’ve failed all your classes last semester. Your mom will call today. She wants to tell you the news, the news she should have told you ages ago. You see, you’re adopted–and a Virgo.

Gemini:

Today you will get a call from your doctor. It appears you always were supposed to be a twin, you just never let the other one out.

Virgo:

You tried to help others last week and it went disastrously. To achieve perfection in helping others, the secret is to never offer help, and to vanish into the shadows when asked for it. You have already perfected doing nothing.

Libra:

Your life is a balancing act, one tip from any side and you will come crumbling to the ground. I offer you no tips.

Capricorn:

You have it all planned, every day. You’ve done it, you absolute madman, you’ve planned your whole life out down to the very second. Oh, what an achievement! But… oh dear, it’s appeared you skipped next Tuesday! All sixty-seven remaining years of your life are off kilter! I suppose you’ll just have to throw it all out and start over.

Scorpio:

You’ve studied the noble grizzly bear and have decided to try it. You’ve decided to hibernate until next fall.

Aquarius:

You’re angry about the planet, you really are. But fear not! There is a list of the people who have destroyed it, and you are smart enough to find their addresses too.

Sagittarius:

You decided to go off, to go on one of those exchange student trips! No one ever told you, though, that there is a no return policy on your exchange.

Pisces:

You deserve a break. Sleep through your classes today (if you glue on googly eyes, they’ll never notice).

Categories: Satire

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