Satire

UW-Parkside’s new leaders implement change


ROSEMARY SCHWEITZER

schwe035@rangers.uwp.edu

The strange happenings continue to plague campus in wake of recent discoveries

 

With the recent revelation that the center of campus is also the center of the entire universe, a move purposefully orchestrated by the physics and mathematics departments of UW-Parkside will affect the entire community. Acting as a gate opening to a multidimensional space, the plaque marking the center of campus has been spitting out strange beings for over a week. These beings, strangely, have refused to speak with anyone other than the “fools that brought [them] here.” This has left the students and faculty of the physics and mathematics departments as the only ones capable of acting as diplomats. The brave diplomats have taken on their new positions with staggering humility, only making that they now be referred to as the Overlords.

 

Surprise budget cuts

The Bearly News was not able to determine much about the diplomatic talks, but from what we can discern, the extra dimensional beings have granted their summoners total power over UW-Parkside. Earlier this week, a substantial amount of funding was diverted from various areas and given to the Overlords. Though it is impossible to tell exactly where this funding has come from, several majors including geoscience, geography, and exercise sciences are no longer offered by the university.

In addition to these canceled majors, all sports programs have been disbanded—effective immediately. When asked for some explanation as to why these actions have been taken, the Overlords only scoffed and walked away from our reporters. However, we do know that all scheduled sporting events will be replaced with science fairs, math meets and even an academic decathlon, so attendees are being urged to keep any tickets that have already been purchased.

New dining option

The final, most notable change in campus since the Overlords have assumed command, is the replacement of Erbert’s and Gerbert’s with a restaurant serving multidimensional delicacies. This new dining option, The Restaurant at the Center of the Universe, has raised a few eyebrows in the short time it has been available. The primary issue being that no one is quite sure how to pay for their meals. Currently the new restaurant is not covered under student dining plans, much like Erbert’s and Gerbert’s used to be, but The Restaurant at the Center of the Universe does not seem to take American currency. In fact, the restaurant does not seem to be accepting any currency known to humans. Instead, cashiers have been asking for dreams, memories, and small tastes of customer’s auras as payment for food.

In the mounting confusion that is likely only to escalate from here, the Bearly News will continue to ask the tough questions and bring the students of UW-Parkside the answers they deserve.

Categories: Satire

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