Satire

What is the State of TPUSA?


TYLER STEINSDORFER | stein078@rangers.uwp.edu

One of Parkside’s conservative student organizations are in a state of disarray after a number of members discover that they are not actually conservative

Turning Point USA is a college conservative group on campus that has recently gained notoriety due to having suspected racial biases. A chapter has recently started at UW-Parkside and, as a result, a number of people have wanted to determine whether these rumors were true as well as try to learn more about the group as a whole. However, to my surprise, after conducting interviews with members of the group the Bearly News has yet to find anyone that is actually conservative.

The Truth Comes Out

“It all started when I first opened The Communist Manifesto” one group member stammered before quickly looking around to make sure no one heard him. He, as well as everyone else who agreed to be interviewed, wished to remain anonymous so as to not bring any unwanted attention to themselves. He really seemed at a loss trying to understand who he really is. He went on to describe how his parents would disown him if they knew he was actually a socialist. I really pitied the man and wanted to give him a hug and tell him everything would be okay, but he would only allow this if the phrase “no homo” was yelled an unfathomable amount of times.

Not all of the people interviewed were socialists. One girl mentioned Proudhon as often as a clingy girlfriend talks about her boyfriend. “I’m not sure how many of us are actually conservative and at this point I’m too scared to ask” the girl said. “We all just keep acting conservative because it’s what we’ve always done.”  It is difficult to say what will be the future of this organization. Only time will tell whether or not these left-wingers will actually come out of the closet or not.

“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.

Categories: Satire

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