Satire

The hunt for Ranger Bear draws to a close


ranger-bear

Ranger Bear contemplates his weighty job. COURTESY UW-PARKSIDE

Bearly News mourns a Private Eye and welcomes a new Ranger Bear

HOLLACE VILLARREALvilla068@rangers.uwp.edu

When PI T. Ruxpin donned the Ranger Bear suit, he changed. This Bearly News reporter ran from the scene, but was caught when the new Ranger Bear opened the door to his bedroom, where this reporter had taken refuge.

“I do not need you sniffing around,” Ranger Bear told the Bearly News, “Go home. I will file for a cease and desist.”

“Ranger Bear, you have captured UW-Parkside’s Private Investigator, T. Ruxpin. Will he be returning to class or his job?”

“No, I don’t see that happening anytime in the future.” Ranger Bear said. He answered all further interview questions with “no comment”.

This reporter was forcibly removed from the home and given a ticket for trespassing. When the Bearly News asked the campus police whether or not Ranger Bear would be ticketed for abducting T. Ruxpin, they dropped this reporter’s ticket.

Cease and desist

With a new order to cease and desist, this reporter has been taken off the case of Ranger Bear and ordered to never report on him again. Even now, when he walks through the halls, this reporter can see T. Ruxpin’s glazed-over eyes staring back at me.

Just know the truth, and know that the capable team at the Bearly News will always bring it to you. However, now that we know what we know about Ranger Bear’s succession, the Bearly News urges you to express caution when attending school events and showing school spirit. Don’t be proud, just Be. At Parkside.

A celebration banquet will be held after the ritual to sanctify the new Ranger Bear. Free refreshments, bring your own cloaks.

 

“Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news. 

Categories: Satire

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