Satire

Parkside distributes the annual F.A.I.L. awards


TRAVIS NORTHERN | north004@rangers.uwp.edu

To cap off the 2017-2018 school year, the university has honored its hard-working students and faculty with an array of Further Achievement in Learning (F.A.I.L.) awards.

The competition was fierce this year; nomination counts were off the charts for categories including “Best Procrastinator,” “Longest Meeting,” and “Most Pretentious Professor.”

Unsung heroes

The F.A.I.L. awards are specifically dedicated to honoring the greatest achievements in UW-Parkside’s academic sphere. The event kicked off with respecting what is arguably the most important of these accomplishments: “Best Hangover Recovery.”

The winner was none other than Daniel Jack, a super senior that attended forty-five parties over the course of the year, all while maintaining a 2.4 GPA. He proudly wobbled onto the ballroom stage to collect his award.

“It’s great to finally be…” Daniel stated, before holding a hand to his temple. “Excuse me,” he resumed, adjusting his Top Gun aviator glasses. “I have to go to the bathroom.” He then disappeared for the remainder of the event.

Another underdog win came for Jane B. Fowling, who walked away with the “Sloppiest Dorm” award. Her mountain of soda cans barely beat out T. Ruxpin’s cluttered archive files on Ranger Bear. Ruxpin did, however, win the award for “Strongest School Spirit” for attending two entire sports games.

Those who cannot do

Some prominent winners in the professor categories included Dr. Ophelia Chem, who won “Driest PowerPoint” for her lecture on epipregnanolone. The slideshow featured exactly 10,439 bullet points and only a mere 11 pictures.

“Smallest Class” was expected to go to UBW 101 (Intro to Underwater Basket Weaving), but in a surprise twist, Dr. Winn Chester collected the award. The day before the ceremony, he had fourteen students enrolled in his music course. The next morning, the room was empty.

The sudden drop in attendance may have something to do with the .44 magnum on his belt, or it may have to do with the new padlock on his supply closet. Regardless, one prominent figure celebrated by Tweeting, “First armed teacher just earned a F.A.I.L. at University of Wisconsin! Great sign that we should covfefe!”

Faring less than well

Despite an excellent ceremony, the final F.A.I.L. of the year has yet to be distributed. The award for “Lamest Satire Article” had no qualifying nominees, but…hold on–my phone is ringing.

Great work, UW–Parkside! Congratulations to all winners, and good luck on finals! Remember: when in doubt, F.A.I.L.!

 

“Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news. 

Categories: Satire

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