Satire

The Astrological Ranger


TRAVIS NORTHERN | north004@rangers.uwp.edu

Aquarius

You will read a newspaper today. Bam. See what I did there? Magic.

Pisces

The last meal you ate was laced with rat poison. Get to the nearest toilet and regurgitate it as fast as you can.

Aries

Remember: skip class, and you will not pass. Attend class, and have an existential crisis about the dwindling number of high-paying jobs in your field.

Taurus

You will win the lottery this year. The only catch is that you must hunt down every other ticket holder and give them a firm “talk”.

Gemini

Soon.

Cancer

The FBI is watching you right now through this very paper. Yes, you. Smile for the cameras!

Leo

You are feeling particularly charitable today. So charitable, in fact, that you will donate your life’s savings to the Bearly News.

Virgo

Your new spirit animal is the Canadian Goose. Have fun carrying that shame with you for all eternity.

Libra

If you do not start driving to a zoo in the next thirty seconds, the ghost of Harambe will kidnap your firstborn child.

Scorpio

Make the most of your life today. Read a book. Sing a song. Give a hug. Run a marathon. Wrestle a luchador. Befriend a mountain. Eat a forklift. The possibilities are endless.

Sagittarius

As of today, you will now be haunted by the ghost of a frog named Cletus. You will scream at Cletus in anguish, but his sole retort is a croak, for he is a frog.

Capricorn

You should be optimistic, Capricorn! You still have eleven and a half years to live before you are brutally murdered in a Las Vegas alleyway.

 

“Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news. 

Categories: Satire

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