The Astrological Ranger



You will read a newspaper today. Bam. See what I did there? Magic.


The last meal you ate was laced with rat poison. Get to the nearest toilet and regurgitate it as fast as you can.


Remember: skip class, and you will not pass. Attend class, and have an existential crisis about the dwindling number of high-paying jobs in your field.


You will win the lottery this year. The only catch is that you must hunt down every other ticket holder and give them a firm “talk”.




The FBI is watching you right now through this very paper. Yes, you. Smile for the cameras!


You are feeling particularly charitable today. So charitable, in fact, that you will donate your life’s savings to the Bearly News.


Your new spirit animal is the Canadian Goose. Have fun carrying that shame with you for all eternity.


If you do not start driving to a zoo in the next thirty seconds, the ghost of Harambe will kidnap your firstborn child.


Make the most of your life today. Read a book. Sing a song. Give a hug. Run a marathon. Wrestle a luchador. Befriend a mountain. Eat a forklift. The possibilities are endless.


As of today, you will now be haunted by the ghost of a frog named Cletus. You will scream at Cletus in anguish, but his sole retort is a croak, for he is a frog.


You should be optimistic, Capricorn! You still have eleven and a half years to live before you are brutally murdered in a Las Vegas alleyway.


“Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news. 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s