Satire

Ranger Bear’s latest victim


Ranger Bear Sniff

Ranger Bear sniffing out his prey, us. (via UWP Archives)

HOLLACE VILLARREAL | villa068@rangers.uwp.edu

The search for the true identity of Ranger Bear takes a dangerous turn

 

When we last left off, this Bearly News reporter was trapped, along with our Private Eye, T. Ruxpin, inside the basement of Ranger Bear’s den. We had just recognized missing students scattered across his walls. Then, we stared deep into Ranger Bear’s mouth, into the eyes of a trapped individual.

“There’s someone trapped inside Rager Bear,” T. Ruxpin told the Bearly News in hushed tones as we hid behind a couch, “We need to free them.”

The Bearly News reminded T. Ruxpin that we are a media organization and that we do not get into the affairs that we report on, as that would create a bias and a moral grey area. T. Ruxpin made no comment and slowly crept closer to the beloved mascot.

Ranger Bear was moving through the house-cave, tilting his head upwards as if he were sniffing the air. T. Ruxpin froze. This reporter leaned up to snap a picture of the bear in action, but was tackled to the ground by T. Ruxpin, rendering the photograph useless.

“Do you want to get us killed?” T. Ruxpin asked, his voice a low hiss. This reporter could not answer, as this is not an opinion piece.

Ranger Bear seemed to have been alerted by the noise and the flash. He stomped over to us, dirt from the floor shaking with every step. T. Ruxpin and this reporter held our breath, trying to hide. It was futile. Ranger Bear stood in front of us, glaring down behind his sewn-on eyes.

“Who are you?” The Bearly News asked, holding up a recorder to the Bear. All we received is an audio recording of heavy breathing. However, he did take off his mask to reveal:

The face of Ranger Bear

 

Professor Carpwitz, the advising professor for The Bearly News and “Feralglow”, the school’s literary magazine.

“Is this why you’ve been missing meetings?” The Bearly News asked, shaky hand holding out the recording device.

The professor did not speak, but instead turned to T. Ruxpin.

“You’ve shown school spirit,” Ranger Bear said. The Bearly News would like to disclaim that, though we now knew that Professor Carpwitz was inside the suit, he still did not move his mouth to speak. The voice seemed to be coming from the head of the costume, held out in the professor’s hands.

The Bearly News would also like to point out the extraordinary school spirit that T. Ruxpin had displayed in the past, including going to a sports game once a semester, attending an after-class activity once a month, and going to the Bridge for free food every day at noon. In more recent times, he happened to be wearing a Parkside hoodie on School Spirit Day. By all accounts, he was wild about our fine institution.

A new Ranger Bear

“You have been granted the honor of becoming Ranger Bear,” Ranger Bear said, lowering the head onto the shocked T. Ruxpin.

This reporter took this distracted opportunity to run to the bedroom, locking the door. Hopefully the editor of the Bearly News can receive this, and the artists rendition of the bear I have included, in time for help to arrive.

“Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news. 

Categories: Satire

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