TRAVIS NORTHERN | email@example.com
There are plenty of this people in this world deserving of punishment. However, none of them are more deserving than children. Their rampant freeloading and perpetual laziness have gone on long enough, and a legion of heroic UW-Parkside seniors have gotten the sweetest revenge.
An Easter event was planned this year on the first of April, which is conveniently the most maniacal holiday in existence (excluding Thanksgiving, of course, since nothing is more cruel than being forced to interact with your family). The children were set to have brunch with none other than the Easter bunny himself.
The serial trespasser took time out of his schedule to pander to some ungrateful gremlins, but he had no idea that he would never arrive at his destination.
The Easter bunny’s private helicopter was expected to land on the top of the RITA on that fateful morning, but instead, an anonymous note arrived in Chancellor Ford’s mailbox (picture enclosed).
Word spread quickly of the celebrity disappearance. Brats across the country begged their parents for chocolate, but the banshees wailed in vain. The egg-hiding nincompoop was out of the picture, and the kidnapping became the most ambitious April Fools’ day prank in recent memory.
After faculty were forced to turn a horde of sniveling scamps away from UW-Parkside’s doors, an investigation began.
The Biology Club tried to identify the rabbit’s trail based on DNA tests from melted marshmallows and crushed eggshells. The Psychology Club looked to examine the mentality of suspected seniors. Campus police looked for anything they could to incriminate specific students and find that glorified mascot, yet their search was Peepless.
Even T. Ruxpin—a famous PI working on campus—failed to turn up any evidence. In fact, no one has heard from him in several weeks. This must indicate that the search for Ranger Bear is going swimmingly.
With the faltering of the search, it appears that the whining munchkins of southern Wisconsin have finally been dealt justice by a group of anonymous vigilantes. Easter turned out to be an April Fools’ joke all along and has now been cancelled for all eternity.
Maybe now the children will finally grow up, get adult jobs, and quit being entitled snowflakes already. From the secret prison of the Easter bunny, this has been the Bearly News.
“Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.