Satire

Following the trail of Ranger Bear’s victims


29547546_1714779428583458_1751061589_nHOLLACE VILLARREAL | villa068@rangers.uwp.edu

The ongoing investigation continually provides more questions than answers 

In the hunt for Ranger Bear’s true identity, Private Eye T. Ruxpin and this Bearly News reporter spent many nights awake, sifting through archival documents. However, the time had come for us to put research aside and to do some investigation straight at the source.

I will not tell you how we got into his den, or indeed if it was legal. We needed answers. Who was Ranger Bear? Where was his child? And for the love of god, why does he sleep in a cave in Petrifying Springs?

Following the “Bear Tracks”

When we walked into his 1970’s furnished home with a thick layer of dust throughout the cave, covering the shag carpet and obscuring all the photographs, we thought we might have hit a dead end. I admit that I felt close to giving up. However, T. Ruxpin saw something that I did not.

“Bear Tracks,” he said, holding up an empty ice cream carton, “he must still live here.”

This reporter pointed out the footprints we saw as well, leading in a direct path to the basement stairs. The stairs were dark and ominous, and the investigation was almost cancelled right on the spot, but for the sake of our readers and, indeed, for the sake of the truth, we persisted.

The basement

What we saw in the basement was astonishing and horrifying. All around the dimly lit room were Polaroids. People smiling out through the ages. Under closer inspection every person seemed to be wearing a UW-Parkside jersey. It even seemed to be the same one.

“Do their shoulders seem… odd?” T. Ruxpin asked. This reporter looked closer. They were furry. Everyone’s shoulders were brown and furry.

Bearly News asked if T. Ruxpin thought they might all be Ranger Bear. Such a leading question is generally unacceptable, but T. Ruxpin simply nodded in horror.

“But what about their heads?” T. Ruxpin asked.

What about the head?

We turned to investigate the basement further. As we got deeper the pictures became more recent.

“That was the boy that went missing in the woods this fall,” T. Ruxpin said, pointing to a photograph. Having run his student ID picture through the newspaper several times, this reporter recognized him.

Finally, we reached the edge of the basement. In the deepest, darkest corner we saw what looked like a nest. Above it hung the photograph included in this article.

“It’s Ranger Bear,” T. Ruxpin said, “But what… what’s in his mouth?”

It looked like eyes. A nose. Someone was trapped inside.

This reporter was going to suggest something, pure conjecture about the fate of all of the students and a reason why they might be in Ranger Bear, but from behind us there was a noise. Heavy breathing muffled by a furry head.

Ranger Bear was onto us. This dedicated reporter is in the closet, typing it out this article in desperation. Please, if you have any news on bear sightings contact Bearly News.

“Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.

 

Categories: Satire

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