Satire

Campus receives its first armed teacher


Orchestra

Dr. Chester conducting an evening concert; the performers hit every note.

A spotlight on the safest classroom on campus

TRAVIS NORTHERN
north004@rangers.uwp.edu

In order to protect students from potential attacks on campus, Dr. Winn Chester, an associate professor of music at UW-Parkside, has decided to carry a weapon on his person as he teaches his classes. Curious about the ramifications of arming teachers with firearms, Bearly News contacted Dr. Chester for an interview.

Our reporters were permitted to attend his class for a day and ask him questions about his new routine. “I am so thrilled that I am finally able to exercise my right to bear arms at work. It keeps the government from turning Wisconsin into a dystopian police state,” he said, polishing his .44 magnum in a room full of college students.

A reasonable setup

After a notable figure produced a series of official, prestigious and very eloquent tweets, Dr. Chester found himself inspired to obtain a weapon for his workplace. “They made us take hours of classes for protocol and safety,” he recaps. “But of course, I did not finish a single page of the homework. Do the instructors not know how busy I am?”

Thankfully, the professor is already a highly skilled gunman, even without the instruction. “I shot a raccoon in my backyard once,” he said. “I may as well be special forces.”

Dr. Chester’s philosophy is that the next opponent could be hiding just around the corner. Consequently, he is constantly on high alert, ready to end a life in the blink of an eye. As a result, the weapon is always on his desk, staring straight at his class of music majors.

A reasonable interaction

The music professor has not yet needed to defend himself from an actual attacker, but the presence of the firearm in his classroom does have benefits. Reports show that grades have improved by 200%, and it is easy to see why.

Throughout the lecture, students paid extremely close attention to every movement the professor made. Their eyes were wide with excitement, and they were sweating with enthusiasm.

At one point, a freshman threateningly reached into her suspicious handbag. With the reflexes of a bengal tiger, Dr. Chester readied his weapon and prepared for a shootout. Terrified, the student procured a packet of chewing gum with a shaky hand.

Dr. Chester was not appeased until she surrendered the Hubba Bubba as reparations for the fright she had caused. His heroism inspires us all.

This is all totally reasonable

Because the first instance of arming a teacher has gone so well at UW-Parkside, the practice is clearly a success. Only three or four students from Mr. Chester’s class have been sent to the hospital under unknown circumstances this week, and no mass shootings have occurred on campus.

We here at Bearly News feel completely protected from potential attacks to the student body. That being said, this reporter will be applying to cancel his enrollment in the music program as soon as possible.

There is no specific reason behind the relocation; variety just happens to be the spice of life. From in front of the desk of an armed teacher, this has been a Bearly News spotlight.

“Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.

Categories: Satire

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