Beware. At. Parkside.
TRAVIS NORTHERN | email@example.com
It is a dark time for UW-Parkside students. After months of gathering their strength, the geese are poised to return to campus.
With their arrival, they bring death, pestilence, and a screech loud enough to shake the foundations of this very building. Last year, random goose attacks nearly brought the student population to extinction.
Not only did they practice their regular strategies of pack hunts andsidewalk ambushes, but they sought after specific targets, taking down any students that dared to challenge them. The last Bearly News reporter to write a piece about goose attacks has yet to be found, and is therefore presumed dead.
To avoid suffering the same fate, follow these instructions and join the global goose resistance (GGR).
Is something giving you the feeling that you are being watched? Do you spot a trail of droppings across the pavement? Are a pair of wings blotting out the sun?
If this describes your walk across campus at any point between February and November, you could be a potential victim of a goose attack. If you want to escape with life and limb, practice the following techniques.
Practice the safe walk. The safe walk, in this scenario, means having a freshman beside you at all times. At the first sign of danger, trip the freshman, or use them as a meat shield as you make your escape. You do not have to outrun an angry goose; you only have to outrun your fellow student.
In instances of traversing the longer walkways on campus–unaccompanied by an aforementioned expendable–the GGR recommends carrying the ultimate precaution on your person at all times: event handbills.
Countless hours of study have demonstrated that nothing is a more effective repellent than trying to offer people handbills. If a goose approaches you, draw your stack of handbills for the next big event. Like students on the skybridge, the avian attackers should scurry in fear.
Above all, it is important to remember that anyone can survive the invasion with a little ingenuity.
One student the Bearly News interviewed has decided to lay low by donning a hyper-realistic goose disguise. “If you can’t beat them, join them,” he said, before honking erratically and charging our reporter.
One member of UWP Athletics even found a way to profit from the onslaught. “Nothing motivates me to run in the morning like a warmongering waterfowl nipping at my heels,” she stated proudly.
Students like these give the GGR hope for a better tomorrow. As the student population slowly adjusts to the return of the Canadian devils, they will learn to endure. While the countless casualties from past springs will never be forgotten, the UW-Parkside community can learn to move forward.
By following the steps above, you too may survive the annual goose invasion. The days may be dark, but the dawn will come. Until then, we can only dream of the day that the geese will fly south once more, and go bother some students in Arkansas instead.
“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.”