Satire

Ranger Bear’s secret child


junior bear (1)

A haunting family portrait.

The hunt for truth: Is Ranger Bear really a solitary creature?

HOLLACE VILLARREAL | villa068@rangers.uwp.edu

Late at night, T. Ruxpin and this Bearly News reporter poured over the documents from Ranger Bear’s past. We had to look before the sun rose and we were kicked out of the Archives by the campus security. The files we were viewing were top secret, for the eyes of only the Head Archivist and the Dean.

“How do you have access to this?” Bearly News had asked the shaky archives assistant who logged into the computer for us.

“We can only afford one password.” She’d replied, before unlocking a file cabinet, “And we only got the finding for one set of keys.”

New evidence

In the wee hours of the morning, this reporter found some startling evidence. TWO soulless looking Ranger Bears, and a small bear cub beside them. UW-Parkside’s logo was emblazoned across their jerseys, showing that this must have been taken after Ranger Bear came to campus.

“Junior Bear.” T. Ruxpin read from the file card, “I thought… I thought Ranger Bear was the only one of his kind.”

Who is Junior Bear?

After some more digging and another late night in the archives, we had our answer. There were multiple photographs of two Ranger Bears, sometimes accompanied by Junior Bear, throughout the old files.

“They must have been a family.” The archivist murmured, looking down at the photographs with something akin to wonder. “But I always thought that Ranger Bear was male.”

After assuring the archivist that Ranger Bear was truly a genderless being and that he most likely reproduced by asexual budding, as all evidence from his physical examinations leads us to believe that he cannot truly be alive, we looked further into Junior Bear.

Where did he go? The archive files are not in chronological order, all information regarding Ranger Bear seemed to be stuffed away in an effort to hide it and hinder investigations, so we have no way of knowing what year the photographs were taken.

“I don’t know why Ranger Bear changed his appearance,” the archives assistant told us, when asked. “I assumed it was because he was keeping up with the latest trends, but his teeth seem… sharper now. Maybe he’s been evolving.”

T. Ruxpin has agreed to look into the numerous studies done in the 1970’s on Ranger Bear’s physical form, and the question of evolution. Next week we may have some answers.

“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.”

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