Satire

Portal to Lovecraftian dimension opens in campus tunnels


cave-718142_960_720TRAVIS NORTHERN | north004@rangers.uwp.edu

But no one wants to go down there long enough to deal with it.

 

Ever since the Parkside Oddities held their last “Haunted Tunnels” in 2016, no one has checked on the D2 level of the school. During the first week of the semester, a lost freshman misunderstood their class schedule and wandered the tunnels beneath campus.

Down in the darkness, they saw a horrific sight. A massive portal to an alternate dimension has opened beneath Wylie Hall.

“It is probably just another project from the Chemistry Club,” said Scruffy, a member of the custodial staff. “I would try not to stress about it.”

Bearly News is run by college students, so regardless of Scruffy’s advice, we stressed about it. After our investigation of recent trends on campus, we have justifiable reasons to believe that the portal has been opened by Cthulhu, the ancient cosmic entity from Lovecraftian lore.

Call of Calculus

Things began to appear amiss when the Necronomicon became the most popular text at the bookstore.

Similarly, saggy pants and ugg boots have been replaced by the newest fashion trend of black cloaks with shadowy hoods. Administration even reports that thousands of requests have poured in for the school to add a certificate program for Eldritch magic.

“The university takes pride in its acceptance of people from all ethnic backgrounds, so I wanted to keep an open mind,” a campus recruiter commented, “However, I did notice an abnormally large spike in attendance from lizard people this semester. But hey, if it raises the graduation rate, I am perfectly okay with it.”

These strange clues around campus seem to verify the theory that Cthulhu has come to conquer UW-Parkside and add it to his subterranean kingdom. This opens the door for another question: what needs to be done about it?

Grovelling 101

Hypothetically, exterminators could deal with the portal, but all of the qualified candidates have called the desolate Parkside tunnels “far too spooky” for them.

Therefore, until the portal closes, all students are advised to appease any of Cthulhu’s demands to avoid the consequences of his wrath. The RITA’s costume department has been commissioned to add tentacles to Ranger Bear, and Straylight will now only be accepting submissions written in R’leyh Glyphs.

From cowering in a broom closet, this has been the Bearly News. Praise Cthulhu, long may he reign.

“Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.

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