Part one of “Ranger Bear or Stranger Bear”

RangerBear_badbackgroundHOLLACE VILLARREAL |

Here at Bearly News, we have long admired our beloved school mascot, Ranger Bear, and had many spotlights on him. However, it has come to our attention that he may not be all that he seems. Indeed, it seems that behind that friendly, menacing smile, there might be dark secrets waiting to be uncovered. Thus, Bearly News has decided to delve deep into his past and current life on campus in our new serial–Ranger Bear or Stranger Bear? Bearly News is working to find hard evidence to answer the question–who really is Ranger Bear?

The initial investigation

The investigation into Ranger Bear started innocently enough. Bearly News simply planned on doing a spotlight on the man behind the mask, Ranger Bear’s handler. However, when Bearly News asked around the office for campus organizations, we were met with shady looks and dodged questions. After being shooed from the office, Bearly News knew that it was time to pull out the big guns.

A little help

We hired T. Ruxpin, the best private investigator for all bear-related incidents in southeastern Wisconsin, to help us find out about the man behind the mascot.

Bearly News returned to the campus organizations office with PI Ruxpin. Though this reported for Bearly News was detained in the lobby, PI Ruxpin snuck in. What he saw horrified him.


“Participation trophies,” PI Ruxpin said, shuddering, “just, the sheer volume of them. No mascot could have lived long enough to earn that many participation trophies.”

He’d tried to take a picture, but the door was closed in his face. This reporter caught a glimpse before the door closed. The magnitude of Ranger’s Bear’s mediocrity–Parkside’s true spirit–was baffling.

When asked about the trophies, an associate from the offices tried to placate us.

“He’s just inside this bag,” she’d said, pointing to a duffle bag, “It’s just a costume, kids.”

However, she refused to open the bag. An oscillating fan operating nearby shifted the bag a little to the left.

“The average bear weighs about 600 pounds,” PI Ruxpin told Bearly News later that day, presumably after googling it. “There’s no way an office fan could have moved him.”

So who is telling the truth? Is Ranger Bear merely a mascot? Where did he come from? Whatever the case, this reporter and Bearly News will get to the bottom of it.

“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.”

Categories: Satire

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