No One Attends Parkside’s Game of Thrones Extravaganza

hall of facesTRAVIS NORTHERN |

The attendance sheets are dark and full of terrors.

In the middle of November 2017, the University of Wisconsin—Parkside hosted a week-long extravaganza dedicated to all things Star Wars. Based on a wave of positive community feedback, the effort was determined to be a smashing success.

To keep up the momentum, the university decided to cater to the fanbase of another popular franchise: HBO’s “Game of Thrones.”

This new series of events took place during the Winterim, with each of them focusing on different aspects of the beloved television series. For reasons unknown, the extravaganza was about as popular as the terrible King Joffrey.

Winterim is coming

To kick off the extravaganza, the Brickstone hosted its Game of Thrones-themed eating contest. Elated by the prospect of free food, a horde of students flocked to the cafeteria.

However, when the main dish of the night was revealed, all of the contestants opted out of the competition.

“You know, we probably should have thought that through,” said one of the cooks, standing before a table of raw horse hearts.

Later that afternoon, the event’s keynote speaker, a professional executioner, visited the Rita to present a live demonstration of a beheading. Posters and handbills even advertised numerous opportunities for student participation.

Despite the bold marketing strategy, not a single seat was filled on the day of the lecture.

Questionable hires

Due to the popularity of the character Arya Stark, the university hosted a gallery in her honor. To mimic the show’s iconic House of Black and White, display stands showcased a wide array of severed human faces. Shockingly, no one attended this event either.

“I never understand the kids these days,” said the collection’s owner, shaking his head. “When I was their age, I would have killed to see something like this.”

When asked to comment further, the collector was unable to comply, because campus police had already escorted him to a squad car.

The attendance never raised, not for the Red Wedding reenactment, not for the discussion panel on sacrificing children to a fire deity, and not for Caring for your Shadow Baby from the Dark Dimension: a Seminar.

Most tragically of all, animal lovers were disappointed to discover that the “Therapy Dragons” advertised in the library were actually bearded dragons, a common species of small lizards. After thorough examination, the Bearly News has verified that they do not breathe fire.

A Dream of Spring

The only salvageable event appears to be the “Game of Thrones” fan fiction contest, which author George R.R. Martin himself has entered.

Unfortunately, the winner has not yet been announced. The contest is delayed indefinitely until Martin’s entry is submitted, if he ever finishes writing it.

One professor that helped coordinate the series was saddened about the poor reception, but she firmly believes that the failure was a fluke.

“The extravaganzas are just getting started,” she declares. “In the spring semester, we are planning to host a “Breaking Bad” extravaganza, a “Sons of Anarchy” extravaganza, and a “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” extravaganza. The students are going to love it.”

“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.”


Categories: Satire

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