Satire

First AI student to attend UW-Parkside


sonny the robot.jpg

UW-Parkside’s first ever robot student, Sonny.

HOLLACE VILLARREAL | villa068@rangers.uwp.edu

After seeing all the press from the first AI citizen in Syria, UW-Parkside developed and designed its own ideal student, who will be attending classes this coming spring.

A new kind of student

The student, named Sonny Turing, was designed by a team of both computer science and pre-engineering students at UW-Parkside.

“He was designed with Parkside in mind,” one student said, looking after him fondly as he played with toy blocks, “Like, he may not have been able to get into Madison, but he’ll excel here.”

The student stopped the interview here, as Sonny was putting the blocks into his mouth.

“His intelligence is being uploaded right now,” a supervising professor told The Ranger News as we watched the student and the android argue over toys. “We’ve slowed the process. We’re trying to give him a ‘childhood’ so that he might relate to other students when he talks to them.”

Sonny’s future at UW-Parkside

Sonny was designed to excel in his courses, so he has already taken a few mock general education classes so that the teachers can become accustomed to him, as well as serving as a test run for his programming.

When asked about his intelligence for the courses, as it was previously stated that his intelligence was still being uploaded, the student in charge of the project laughed.

“I mean, they’re just gen eds! Anyone can pass them!”

The AI will be starting the spring semester on probation, but since his intelligence will be uploaded, he should be able to bring his grades up in no time.  

Graduation and beyond

The Ranger News got the exclusive opportunity to interview Sonny himself. Sonny’s major is going to be computer science.

“I want to be a doctor for my own people,” he explained to The Ranger News. He was very articulate for someone smashing blocks together.

The Ranger News asked him what he planned on doing after college. Sonny seemed to freeze, unable to answer and unable to move on.

“That happens when you ask him about the future,” the supervising professor said, pressing a button on Sonny’s neck, “He’ll be fine after a quick nap.”

Be sure to look out for Sonny in the halls and give him a big UW-Parkside welcome!  

“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.”

Categories: Satire

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