HUNTER FRENCH | firstname.lastname@example.org
UW-Parkside’s number one (and only) cafeteria, the Brickstone, has made an exciting announcement: as of Nov. 31, a new stand has opened next to Sizzlers burger bar: Guzzlers alcohol bar.
A totally not questionable decision
When asked about whether or not it was a good idea to open a bar on a college campus, an official from the Chancellor’s office replied, “Students and faculty alike have very busy schedules, and this helps us relieve stress from the convenience of our very own cafeteria,” taking a swig from his water bottle, “and there are barely any risks involved. I mean, we live on a campus where most of our students are commuters, so we don’t have to worry about drunks causing problems in the dorms. Plus, it’s more efficient: Students can now multitask studying and drinking and save time to do other productive activities.”
Great timing or a sinister plot?
This decision opens Guzzlers mere weeks before final exams. While this may seem like a totally rad idea bro, there may be more to this decision than meets the eye. This fall’s freshman class is the largest in years, and we have all noticed it when we try to park every morning. It is possible that Guzzlers intends to inebriate students before they take their finals to cause them to fail and open more parking for the spring semester.
Bearly News wishes everyone a safe finals season, and urges everyone to please test responsibly.
“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.”