Satire

The Rita secedes from university


HOLLACE VILLARREAL | villa068@rangers.uwp.ed

After years of unfair treatment, the Rita Tallent Picken Regional Center for Arts and Humanities has finally decided to secede from UW-Parkside.

Behind the news

This story has developed so quickly that The Ranger News has been unable to cover the riots and elections that went into the seceding of CART Hall. However, now that the situation has stabilized and it is safe to send reporters into the previously hazardous warzone of CART Hall, The Ranger News will strive to give you full coverage of the story.

An exclusive interview

The leader of The Rita’s movement to secede from Parkside sat down with The Ranger News for an exclusive interview.

“Why did we secede?” he laughed, “Why wouldn’t we secede? Our ruler was an undead bear! I know he died without an heir, but that doesn’t mean you can just reanimate him and expect us to go along with what he says willingly.”

The Ranger News tried to reason with him, telling him that Ranger Bear had no real power anymore and that he was more of a figurehead than anything in this day and age. The man would not listen.

“He’s giving all of our funding to the sciences,” the leader ranted, “Newspaper doesn’t have any funding either, you should join us!”

While it was true that members of The Ranger News left the organization to join The Rita’s paper-The Stranger News-this reporter would not be swayed.

When asked about what their new university would be called, the representative replied, “Well, we didn’t want to be called CART anymore. That’s such a dumb name, who even came up with it?”

He then proceeded to tell us that the new name would be the Creative Arts Resources Building. The CARB for short.

“We’ve declared ourselves to be our own university!” the representative continued, “No longer will you need Gen Eds to make it to graduation. And we’ll have fun majors, like typecasting, quiddich, and jedi!”

When asked how they became an accredited college, the representative laughed.

“A what now?”

Enrollment for the spring semester is now open.

 

“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.”

 

Categories: Satire

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