Satire

Parkside major spotlight: new major for Jedi


HOLLACE VILLARREAL | villa068@rangers.uwp.edu

One of UW-Parkside’s affiliates, the Creative Arts Resources Building (CARB) is offering a brand new major: a Jedi major!

A new field of study

This new field comes in light of the Star Wars events that have been taking place all over campus.

“I never thought so many people would have an interest in this,” one professor dressed in strange robes told us, “I’m excited to use my years of training to teach the younger generation!”

He then told us to call him a Jedi Master from now on, which The Ranger News politely declined.

Class structure

A professor showed The Ranger News exactly how a class would go for an intro-level Jedi class.

“First we teach them all about midichlorians. I know that it’s a shaky area of study, but they need it for their science gen-ed course. Then we teach them how to sword fight with sticks, a precursor to the lightsabers. Hopefully we get some actual lightsabers in by the time they become upper level students…” he trailed off. “Where was I? Oh yes, then we teach them how to run around and jump.”

When asked about their Force training, the professor laughed.

“We can’t teach them how to use the Force, it needs to come from within. They must learn it themselves.”

He then showed The Ranger News a room full of legal adults trying to levitate sticks.

“No one has managed it yet, but I heard that Johnson made hers wiggle once.”

Real-world application

When asked about the real-world application of the program, the professor shifted nervously.

“We haven’t found any real internships for these students, but we have been featured on Stan Lee’s Superhumans once. We got about a hundred dollars for department funding for that. Hopefully we can continue to get such patronage in the future.”

Enrollment for these classes begins in the spring, but be warned: there are no refunds. May the Force be with you.

 

Categories: Satire

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