Satire

High speed cat chase around campus


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EMILY ERGEN | ergen001@rangers.uwp.edu

In recent events, there has been a cat hiding out stalking its prey in the woods on the UW-Parkside campus. It was only in the best interest of the safety of the students and staff who live and work here that one student “go rogue” and catch the cat.

From here to there

The first sighting of this black cat was in the field of Pike River Suites. The cat was seen stalking students and chasing them down, leaping on them to knock them down. One source, who strongly wants to go unnamed, was traumatized and states. “I saw the cat knock down a full-grown man, bite him, and then dragged the poor guy back into the woods.”

Another sighting of the cat was around the Brickstone. As the cat trotted around students stood frozen like sculptures, each trying to avoid being its next victim. But to their surprise, the cat only wanted to try human food.

After the cat had been feasting on humans for about a week, students starting noticing that he had cut back on chasing humans. Instead the humans were chasing it around, when suddenly they fatefully chased it into a power generator.

“When I chased him into the power generator, all I saw were bright lights and sparks flying everywhere,” stated a senior student who had nothing else better to do than to chase a cat for fun. The student then said, “The cat crept out of the power generator with smoke feathering from the top of his head, and I knew right then and there I had to go!”

The last sighting of the cat as a free animal was by our rogue student, Abbie, who bravely held out a piece of ham and lead the cat into a cage.

Behind bars

After being locked behind bars I had the pleasure of interviewing the cat. He revealed that his name was Bernice and he did not particularly enjoy being this evil cat, answering the mystery of why he tried the Brickstone food. The cat also said “it wasn’t until after I was shocked into a new persona by the power generator that I wanted to turn my life around.” He still reminisces on his evil days however, “if it weren’t for you and your rogue student, I’d still be feeding off students.”

“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.”

 

Categories: Satire

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