HOLLACE VILLARREAL | email@example.com
UW-Parkside’s library has just won the prestigious “Library of the Year” award!
A stunning achievement
The Ranger News interviewed several faculty and students about our newly-won award.
“Our library is pretty bomb,” an English major told The Ranger News. “It’s even got that whole floor where you have to be silent.”
“We have a library?” asked a business major.
“I’m honestly surprised we won something,” a pre-med student told The Ranger News, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen us win… well, anything.”
“See, we can still win! Now people will have to stop complaining about the flies…” a library faculty member said.
A few malcontents
Despite the overwhelmingly positive response to the library winning “Library of the Year”, some people remain skeptical about the victory.
“How could we have beaten Madison?” a communications major pointed out, “They have so much more funding than us.”
“What about the flies?” a concerned economics major asked.
A student employee of the library beckoned The Ranger News to follow her. “I want to show you why we can’t be library of the year,” she said.
“But what about the flies?” The economics major repeated, seemingly to no one.
What about the flies?
The student employee led The Ranger News down to the archives. It was dimly lit on the way there, and she looked both ways before shutting the door and hanging a mesh cover over it, something that looked like mosquito netting.
“I’ve dissected one of the flies,” the student employee said, “It’s not a fly.”
The student revealed herself to be a biology major, one of the ones who studied Ranger Bear’s reanimation over the summer. She wanted to see why the flies had chosen the library as their home.
“Look,” she said, pulling out the dissected fly, “it’s a tiny computer!”
It did indeed appear to be a tiny computer. When asked what the fly’s function was, the student employee replied “I believe it’s supposed to be collecting data. We find them hovering over students and hovering over the books that haven’t been uploaded onto the internet yet. But I couldn’t tell you why.”
The student employee then asked that we discontinue The Ranger News, as she was still 30 years behind on scanning copies into the digital archives. The Ranger News politely refused.
The rigged award
After emerging from the archives, another faculty member accosted The Ranger News.
“You can’t run this story, it will destroy the library’s reputation!”
He then detailed how there was a benefactor who had paid The Ranger News in exchange for their unlimited resources and for the right to release the flies in the library. The faculty member said that he believed that this mysterious benefactor had rigged the “Library of the Year” vote so that the library would get more funding.
“Don’t you believe in the furthering of education?” the man demanded of The Ranger News.
However, The Ranger News has always strived to bring the absolute truth of the story to its readers.
Insecticide is now being sold at the bookstore.