The dark secret behind UW-Parkside’s supercomputer

A glimpse of Aven Macontash’s secret layer.

Hollace Villarreal |

In our previous issue, The Ranger News reported on the breaking story of a student’s personal project, creating a cluster of computers to help with parallel computing. However, what if it is used for a more devious plot? The Ranger News sent in an undercover, investigative journalist to find out.

A secret room within a secret room

When The Ranger News showed up, unannounced, to the computer closet, the student who had created the cluster answered the door.

“What do you want?” He had demanded. “Oh, you must be here for the new henchman-I mean intern position.”

He led the way into the computer closet and typed out a series of commands on one of the less conspicuous computers. He then led the way through an opening in the wall and down a winding staircase to a cave-like basement passage.

As he walked, the student hastily covered half-finished projects with tarps lying around, muttering “Nothing to see here,” as he went. The Ranger News took notice of devices labeled such things as “Heat Ray”, “Blaster Gun”, and “Surveillance Fly”.

When asked what the project labelled “Ice Ray” was going to be used for, he laughed it off.

“It’s a joke,” he said, looking around as if waiting for someone else to answer, “It totally isn’t because I’m planning on freezing the college during my World Domination Plan. That would be ridiculous, why would you even suggest that?”

Science closet or evil lair?

The student sat down with The Ranger News to talk about the job position he had been offering.

“It will have a very strict contract, but there will be plenty of benefits. Plus it is going to count for science credit as well as internship credit!”

When asked what, exactly, the job would entail, the student merely shrugged.

“You’ll be doing all the normal intern stuff. Getting coffee, writing paperwork, guarding the captives I’ve frozen in carbonite. The usual stuff.”

When asked what any of this had to do with the cluster of computers above-ground, he answered, “The computers upstairs aren’t even really running. I’ve set up a screen to make it look like they’re solving constant equations, but that’s just to keep the University from wondering why the power bill has suddenly become so high. This is why I couldn’t create a lair at home, the electric bill was getting to be too expensive.”

He then detailed the benefits package, which had a beautiful health insurance and life insurance bundle, but sadly no retirement plan.

While The Ranger News was ultimately forced to decline the job offer, it is still up for grabs. Please contact Aven Micontash for the details.

*“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.

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