Parkside’s horrifying new study

A photo found on a students cellphone that was left in the woods, showing what appears to be a phantom.


“Ghosted: our missing young people” is a new study recently published right here in the University of Wisconsin-Parkside by our own Dr. Acula. The study explores the phenomena of teens and young adults going missing in mid-autumn every year.

The study explores previously unresearched territory

In the article, Dr. Acula shows how, despite the lack of research, there is a real correlation between the autumn months and disappearances.

“Generally kids start disappearing in mid-September, with gradually increasing numbers to a peak point at the end of October. It dies down in November and then we all collectively seem to… forget. There’s no other way to put it, we simply forget.” Dr. Acula told The Ranger News.

“There’s no real lack in research either,” he continued, “I just had to look up kids who went missing and search the library under their names. Generally there are lists of old newspaper articles and microfilm that they checked out before their disappearances.”

“The woods are a dangerous place and the kids should stay away.”

When asked if he knew how to prevent these disappearances, Dr. Acula simply shrugged.

“This isn’t like my previous work, ’10 signs that your child is possessed’. There’s no way to exorcise or bargain with something that’s not actively possessing you. However, I urge you to use your common sense. People without a lot of common sense, and those who follow their naïve friends, are the ones who disappear.”

The Ranger News asked if he had any helpful tips, and Dr. Acula had this to say: “Avoid any trips in the autumn, especially camping trips. The woods are a dangerous place and kids should stay away. While some kids can come back from their disappearance, they should not contact the police, as then they have a 90% chance of going missing again or becoming incarcerated in some capacity. Above all, if there is an escapee from an insane asylum in your area, do not travel anywhere alone.”

“The disappearances are becoming more well-documented with the rise of social media,” Dr. Acula said at the end of his interview, “Now we can see the cases of these killings or possessions in real time on Facebook and other comparable sites. Soon we may have an answer to why they happen in the first place.”


*“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.

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