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News has broken that the cafeteria workers in the Brickstone Eatery are actually scientists in disguise, experimenting on the good students of UW-Parkside. In their experiment, they replaced all of the coffee on campus with something much more malicious: decaf.
Students outraged at the news
“My grades have been slipping all semester,” a tired communications major told The Ranger News. “Now I finally know why.”
“I hope they refund me on my meal plan, do they really think I would waste my money on some bitter, gross [expletive deleted] if it wasn’t keeping me awake for my eight AM class? I have physics, man.” Another student said, before storming off to the Student Center to demand that her card be refunded.
“I was so tired after my nine PM class last night, I thought I saw an escaped serial killer running through the woods with a club. Decaf explains it though, right? I’ve just felt like my brain’s been in a wastebin for these last some-odd weeks.” A history major told The Ranger News before laughing nervously and declining any further comment about his supposed vision.
The Ranger News has been briefed by the Campus Police that the motives behind the experiment were unclear.
“Maybe they wanted to see what would happen to the mentality of a closed area during a mass withdrawal. Or they’re just cruel and uncaring, nobody’s super sure about anything.” The officer said before popping two aspirins, “We know beyond a doubt that the culprits have been caught, and you can bet the justice will be swift. Quote me on that.”
It turns out that this ‘swift justice’ may be extra gratifying to fellow Parksidians. While no one has been caught doing unauthorized experiments at this time, old campus laws are still in place. These laws have specific guidelines on how to deal with wrongful experimentation on students. Ranger Bear will be presiding as the justice of the peace, and his verdict will be final. The Ranger News will keep you updated as the story develops.
*“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.