Satire

Ranger Bear wins trophy at the UCA mascot camp


Ranger-Bear-with-Trophy 2

Ranger Bear posing with his trophy after a grueling competition. 

HOLLACE VILLARREAL | villa068@rangers.uwp.edu

Last year we said goodbye to our dearly departed Ranger Bear, but over the summer an unorthodox biology professor kicked off his summer course by reanimating the dead.

After resurrecting Ranger Bear during an electrical storm, it was quickly discovered that he had lost all power of speech and had no memory of his intensive mascot training.

A little help

The Universal Cheerleaders Association (UCA) was there to help! They accepted his application right away and he was brought to the company’s famed mascot camp. “He’s a real team player!” a camp counselor reported excitedly, “I mean, he never took off his costume, but it just showed us how dedicated he was! And his energy was simply electric!”

From drool to cool

Not everyone was a fan of this new Ranger Bear, as a fellow mascot camp attendee told The Ranger News.

“He smelled… off. Even after we forced him under the shower.” The man beneath the striped rodent costume said, “He never talked either, just… growled. It was eerie. I’m glad this camp is over.”

During his stay at the camp, Ranger Bear won an award for the most improved mascot, which was simplified on the statue to say “Superior”.

What is inside counts

After posing Ranger Bear’s stiff limbs for a photo op, the bear’s handler released a statement on his behalf.

“Ranger Bear came back from the dead a changed bear, but the mascot camp changed him right back to normal. So what if he scares away children? So what if no one wants to come to the football games because his growling intimidates large crowds? He’s still the same bear, underneath it all.”    

The handler was right about that. Ranger Bear continues to be, technically, the same bear he always was.

Categories: Satire

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