HOLLACE VILLARREAL | firstname.lastname@example.org
An answer to the question, “Why doesn’t price match work the same way anymore?”
Many students noticed a change in UW-Parkside Bookstore’s famous “Price Match” system this semester. Instead of giving students the difference between the price matched books in either cash or a universal bookstore gift card, they were given a gift card that did not allow for the purchase of more schoolbooks. Students submitted their disparaging opinions to The Ranger News. A vast many said it was a grab for even more cash from students who could not pay until their loan refunds came through, but for UW-Parkside’s new football team, this is absolutely not the case.
The prospective coach for the team had this to say: “Studies have proven that football teams are a great source of income for universities, but those studies fail to mention all the costs to starting up a team. What with the uniforms, the team tryouts, and licensing the name Bears from the Chicago team, we don’t even have the money for a stadium!”
When asked why they would embark on such a venture when they did not yet have the funds and while Ranger Bear was still in critical condition, unable to do more than a pom-pom wave at mascot camp, the coach waved his hand airily and made recurrent scoffing noises. He only gave such noises in later interviews with The Ranger News.
The competitive funhouse
While the exact location for the stadium has yet to be decided, there are a few prospective places.
The project manager told The Ranger News that “We’re currently debating between tearing down the Humanities building and building over the Tallent Hall’s parking overflow.” He went on to say,“Gosh, I hope this isn’t like before…”
When asked where the Humanities building or overflow parking would be replaced, the building manager made the same scoffing noise the coach had made, refusing further comment.The Ranger News reached out to one of the new football players for comment as well.
“We don’t have a practice facility yet, and the SAC is always busy,” they said. “Mostly we’ve been running through the woods around Parkside with the Bear. Who’s even in that Bear, man?”
Despite the minor setbacks, The Ranger News has been assured that the team will have its season next year, or two years at most. But cheerleaders: Tryouts are April 1!