HUNTER FRENCH | firstname.lastname@example.org
Finals week- do or die
It’s nearly upon us. The biggest, hugest, most ginormous-est event of every semester. The event that causes more student casualties than anything else. The alarms are sounding, but there is nowhere to hide: Finals Week draws near.
Every semester, we lose some classmates to the fierce menace known as Finals Week. Finals claim their victims without mercy, smashing hopes and killing dreams. No one is safe from this terror.
On the front lines
One finals victim, Fay Ling, told us her horror story from last semester, “Th-they’re relentless. I was supposed to apply to graduate school this summer, but last semester’s finals took everything. My comfy 3.8 GPA was reduced to a measly 2.4 after they had their way. My aspirations were decimated by four Scantron sheets.” Miss. Ling broke down after making that statement and had to be brought to the local community college, where she attempts to reclaim what she lost.
Preparing for the storm
Many students are forming tactical study groups in an effort to survive this threat. Others are spending long nights in the library to condition themselves for the looming danger. Many have already given up hope, ready to accept their fates on May 9. One thing is certain: Finals are rapidly approaching, and there is nothing we can do to stop them. Who will survive? Who will perish? Who will fail out and free up more parking spaces next semester? Only time will tell.
*“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.