HOLLACE VILLARREAL | firstname.lastname@example.org
In Kendall Jenner’s now-infamous Pepsi commercial, she seemed to create a world of peace and light just by sharing a Pepsi among protesters and the police. Her selfless act has been sweeping the nation, showing the world that we can all just get along.
Student’s take up Kendall’s cause
The students of UW-Parkside have been following the trend the “Keeping up with the Kardashians” star set this month, offering cans of Pepsi to anything that might be creating a conflict. The Parkside campus police have received cases of cans as apologies for overclocked meters and replacement parking passes.
“We’ve started to issue tickets if we even so much as see a blue can,” an anonymous officer told Ranger News, “We almost arrested a student with a can of Diet Rite. This has been a nightmare, we can’t even open the supply cabinet.”
“Some of the faculty have been giving us Pepsi as well, for us to look the other way on various issues. I assume they’re joking. I mean, why would they want to fill the pool with corn syrup? And why would the bio department want us to avoid the basement?”
The officer then proceeded to offer The Ranger News a case of Pepsi which we, as an unbiased news organization, were forced to decline.
Teaching faculty aren’t free from the treatment either, especially as the semester draws to a close. Students in low standing have been offering bemused professors cans of Pepsi in an effort to smooth over their grades.
“I don’t know what this is all about,” a math professor told The Ranger News, “Some kind of stunt? I know I’m not caught up on the things you kid get into, but is this some sort of prank? Are you really a reporter?”
“I’ve been automatically failing anyone who gives me a Pepsi,” a business professor said when interviewed, “I lived through this in the cola wars in the 80’s and I refuse to live through it again.”
Another teacher confessed, “If someone would just give me a Mr. Pibb, I’d bump them to an A.”
The faculty pushes back
Campus police have banned Pepsi from campus until the end of finals. The only place it can be purchased is in the Brickstone, and even the machine is under constant surveillance.
“Three people have tried to take the machine so far today,” a member of the Brickstone staff reported, “I hear that physics is especially hard this semester, maybe that’s why.”
At the protest this week about the tragic death of Ranger Bear, the campus police tried to calm the protesters with cans of Pepsi.
“This is an outrage,” one protester told The Ranger News, “This is patronizing and immature.”
“Besides,” chimed in another protester, “Ranger Bear didn’t even like Pepsi.”
PHOTO COURTESY OF WWW.BIZPACREVIEW.COM
* “The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.