HOLLACE VILLARREAL | firstname.lastname@example.org
In a recent study, it’s been discovered that the human appendix is actually more useful than it seems. It produces lymph, which helps fight bacteria and diseases, which is why humans haven’t evolved to eliminate it.
In light of this discovery, UW-Parkside is offering an exciting opportunity to bio students! The professors, who are tired of operating on donated bodies, have concocted a new plan for extra bio lab credits.
“We’ve made a laboratory in the basement,” a biology professor told The Ranger News, “It’s completely sanitary, though we may have to give you a tetanus shot because of the operating utensils. There’s not enough money in the budget for new scalpels, especially since we’re spending all the money we’re allotted on ether.”
“Oh, it’s perfectly legal,” the professor assured The Ranger News when asked about the legitimacy of the endeavor. “We’ve taken the necessary precautions and informed the campus police of what we’re doing in the basement.”
The professor offered The Ranger News a tour of the new surgical facility. We went down to the basement below Greenquist and off to a nondescript side hallway. The only indicators of where to go were arrows, spray-painted in red.
“It’s eye catching, isn’t it?” the professor asked proudly, “I’m not really an art teacher, so the arrows aren’t the best quality, but I think they work out fine.”
The professor threw open the industrial doors with “Surgery” written on them in the same spray paint. In the waiting room were two nervous looking Intro to Psychology students looking for a study to join and one patient who was there for a follow up appointment.
“Professor,” the student called, distracting our guide, “I don’t feel so well.”
“That’s just the formaldehyde,” the professor said, waving off his concerns. “The feeling will wear off in a week or two. Now where were we? Oh yes!”
The professor continued on the tour, showing us the pristine operating room and the viewing theater, which was just a popcorn machine on a raised platform.
When asked where the new appendixes come from, the professor replied, “Well, that’s the tricky part. No one wants to willingly donate their appendix anymore.”
When asked what the professor meant by that, the recording device and this reporter’s memory go completely blank. When asked for a follow up interview, the professor told Ranger News that all donations will be compensated with four credits of BIOS 101.
*“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.