HUNTER FRENCH | firstname.lastname@example.org
For years, Parkside has advertised its programs to high schoolers all over Wisconsin in the hopes that young adults will become Rangers for the next four years of their lives. These are the steps most colleges take when recruiting new students to their programs. However, UW-Parkside is taking one giant leap for college-kind by extending their advertisements to reach out-of-this-world applicants: aliens from outer space.
Get the message out there
Naturally, the largest hurdle to orbital advertisement is getting the message up there. Despite a tight budget crisis, the university allocated the funds to purchase its first aircraft in 2016, a drone called Ranger One. The drone’s purpose was to gather aerial footage of the campus to use in Parkside promos.
However, following this bold new direction in advertisement, Ranger One will be modified to brave the final frontier of space, carrying a banner promoting UW-Parkside in tow. The drone will carry this message off into the stars for all aspiring aliens looking for a bachelor’s degree to see.
Improve campus diversity
This otherworldly attempt to bring in new students unsurprisingly generated some questions. The biggest question everybody is asking is, “Why do we need aliens to come to our school?” The answer offered by Admissions Counselor Gon Jonzalez is that “as a campus, we need to be more diverse. The mission’s goal is to make education more inclusive to all people, humans and aliens alike, by showing them that they are safe to pursue their dreams here.”
Of course, we cannot be prepared to accept extraterrestrial students without making a few accommodations to our campus. For example, these students will need somewhere to park their spaceships, so another parking lot is proposed. Crop circles will now be recognized as a form of vandalism and will not be tolerated on university property, despite student outcry for administrators to “cease with the bigotry” and “respect their culture”.
Some speculate that the sudden interest in enrolling extraterrestrials at UW-Parkside is an attempt to create an “alien sanctuary” here before NASA enacts an interstellar travel ban or construction on a wall between Earth and the outer solar system, trying to keep E.T.s off of our planet.
Ranger One is expected to launch at the end of May, giving aliens the entire summer to apply and attend ROAR before beginning classes in the Fall semester of 2017.
*”The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.