HOLLACE VILLAREAL | firstname.lastname@example.org
The Trappist-1 System is made up of seven Earth-like planets, three of which are situated in the safe zone from meteors. Scientists believe that it is very likely that there is water on one of those planets, making it prime for human colonization.
“The sure look beautiful, don’t they?” a NASA representative commented when interviewed, nervously looking at an artist’s rendition of the planets, “And they’re probably habitable. We haven’t had much time to check.”
One hundred lucky students from UW-Parkside will be given a free degree and a crash course of training on aerospace technology, before being sent on their way to the Trappist-1 system before 2018.
“We’re working as fast as possible,” the NASA representative told The Ranger News, “We’re working quickly as we can to leave this planet. After the American presidential inauguration it only took us two months to find habitable planets after years of searching, we’re highly motivated to get this work done.”
When asked why UW-Parkside students were to be sent, the NASA representative put down his blowtorch, which he had been using to weld together parts of the prestigious USS Expatriate, to answer “Well, it’s not like Parkside is exactly Harvard, is it? They’re there to get in, get their degrees, and get out. Efficient. That’s what we need.”
When asked about how long the journey would take, the NASA representative told Ranger News, “I’m going to level with you, it’s estimated at around 200 years. But you know Parkside student, they have to wait years for specific classes to be offered only to see them get filled up. They have unprecedented levels of patience.”
The Ranger News asked the increasingly annoyed NASA representative what the students should expect once they got to their destination. “Hopefully they’ll find a habitable planet in the Trappist-1 system, but for all we know they could be covered in lakes of fire. The important part is that they’ll be far, far away from Earth and its impending nuclear holocaust. In fact, I’ll be aboard the ship, teaching the students how to maintain colonies, and if you know what’s good for you you’ll drop that silly recording device and help me weld this.”
The NASA representative was unable to be reached for follow up questions about what students should expect upon their return to Earth, aside from the promised unspecified degree. Ranger News interviewed a few employers to see if they would be willing to have an astronaut as an intern. Most said that the program would provide students with the perfect experience to be able to step up into an unpaid internship.
*“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.