WILL APGAR | firstname.lastname@example.org
President Donald Trump announced this Tuesday that he is planning on selling the White House to the highest bidder. “I prefer if the bidding is done with Ruble,” said Trump, who seems to be favoring Russian bids over American.
Buying the dairy state
“I have plenty of money. So much money. More money than we can fit in the White House. Enough money to cover all of Wisconsin, twice. I could buy that state, you know. Paul Ryan is such a joke to the Republican Party, I bet I could buy his whole damn state and kick him out.”
Trump proved his claim true as he has now bought all public and private property in Wisconsin. All UW schools have now been forced to rename themselves to University of Trump, or UT, except for Parkside, which did not have the funds to replace “Wisconsin” with “Trump”.
American to Russian
Paul Ryan spoke on the purchase as “bad business”—which might not be wrong. Since the Wisconsin purchase, all brewing companies have converted to Vodka manufacturers, and the state has now seceded from the rest of the union. Wisconsin currency has changed to rubles and the Packers have been renamed the “Putins”.
Trump and UW-Parkside
UW Parkside now serves as a modern historic site – seeing as it is the only UW school left. Trump has not been shy with his opinions on the school’s inability to change its name, saying “Parkside? The bear school? The school where they kill bears? I don’t care if they become a UT school or not. Either way, their degrees are and will always be valueless. Sad!”
Trump has also not been shy on his opinions on what he calls “The Failing Ranger News”—Trump is quoted saying “Pathetic. they have no real news to report on. They have to hire satirist to make up articles just so people will read it!”
The issues of Trump occupation in Wisconsin now threatens the nation as a whole—bidding on The White House ends on April 13, with an anonymous bidder leading the auction.
“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.