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Steroids: the future of pro sports


Classic_Football

Football has come a long way since its establishment

HUNTER FRENCH | frenc019@rangers.uwp.edu

Steroids. Stimulants. Human growth hormone. These substances have received a bad wrap from the sports community over the years, mostly because of the unfair advantages they offer to their users over other athletes.

A new trend in sports

However, this trend is changing. We are living amidst a new sports revolution. Many athletes are proposing a new solution to the performance-enhancing drug (PED) stigma: since the drugs are illegal due to the unfair advantage they give their users, a new sports league will be created, one in which performance enhancing drug use is not only permitted, but is required.

The ‘roid renaissance

Imagine the Olympics with zero restrictions on what athletes put in their bodies. ‘Roided runners would put Usain Bolt to shame. Stimmed swimmers would turn Michael Phelps into a fish out of water. We like these people because they are the fastest and strongest human beings on the planet. A new Olympics with enhanced athletes would wipe the slate clean with new records (unless returning athletes conform to the new policy as well), as well as giving newcomers a shot at gold.

“It’s the morally sound thing to do”

In light of these new developments in sportsmanship, many sports conglomerates are making statements in regard to this new decision. Roger Goodell, the commissioner of the National Football League (NFL) has recently said “I fully support this decision. The NFL will be the first league to require PEDs for all of its players. I believe that it’s the morally sound thing to do. Humans are at the top of the food chain because we evolved above the rest of the animal kingdom. This is the next step in the evolution of football.” Goodell also stated that the NFL guidelines have changed in other ways, such as the doubling of the length of the football field to accommodate for longer throw distances.

Saving smaller sports

Under this new league, footballers will experience bone-shattering tackles, and hockey fights will end in mass casualties. This boosts ratings for sporting events, which will increase the funding these sports get. Smaller sports will reap these benefits as well. Fencing matches will escalate to duels to the death. Bowling balls will destroy bowling alleys when thrown down the lane at 500 feet per second. Curling will actually become relevant… whatever curling actually is.

The future is now

As time continues to drone onward, many struggle to keep up with the times. Many will wonder if the decisions made in this day and age make any sense at all. I urge those of you who think this way to open your eyes and see the truth, which is this: performance enhancing drugs will save the world of sports.

“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.

Categories: News, Satire

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