HUNTER FRENCH | email@example.com
Spring has nearly sprung, and UW-Parkside students could not be happier. Climbing temperatures are the cure for the cabin fever we were all diagnosed with last November. However, they also spell disaster for this campus. Their wings will block out the sun, their honks will deafen us, their excrement will litter the campus with rancid landmines. Yes, dear reader, the time has come to prepare for the inevitable: the return of the geese.
Every spring, these creatures emerge from the depths of hell to wreak havoc on the people of the Petrifying Springs Park area. Many students, myself included, have fallen victim to goose attacks. These evil animals will prowl in flocks across the campus grounds, hunting for a vulnerable student to tar and feather before fleeing to the safety of the skies.
As if flight was not a strong enough advantage over us puny humans, the geese have another trick up their wings. We have all seen geese perched atop buildings, peering down on us like we are the subjects of their kingdom. However, there is more to this tactic than mere intimidation. When a goose plops its fat, ugly body on a rooftop, it is waiting for an unwary student to venture beneath its perch, so it can drop a stink bomb from its posterior end. I implore Chancellor Ford to implement “Beware of Falling Objects” signs near every known goose hangout.
From the goose’s bill
In the name of investigative journalism, I risked life and limb to conduct an interview with a goose named Honk. He agreed to the interview on the grounds that I bring four pieces of WonderBread as tribute.
I asked Honk why geese fly in a V-pattern. Honk explained that the Tactical V-Formation© allowed for maximum coverage when carpet bombing areas with goose turds. After asking the first question of the interview, Honk’s flock descended from the skies. Honk claimed that I had “asked enough questions,” and that it was time for me to “keep walking.” As a goose attack survivor, I heeded Honk’s warning and scurried to the safety of Wylie Hall.
This avian oppression can persist no longer. If we continue to subject ourselves to this torture, then the geese will have won. There is a reason why humans are at the top of the food chain. The time has come to remind the geese of that reason. The time has come, dear reader, to fight back.
We have to unite as a campus, regardless of our differences. Politically, right-wingers and left-wingers have to stand together or be battered by menacing gray wings. Freshmen and seniors alike take the same risk every time they make the trek from the Rita to the SAC, past prime goose-feeding grounds. These birds do not discriminate: they hate everybody. Some sources indicate that the geese may have been behind the recent death of Ranger Bear in an attempt to usurp his throne as our beloved mascot. We cannot allow these bird brains to rule over us. The day we give into their demands is the day our goose is cooked.
“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.