WILL APGAR | firstname.lastname@example.org
Beloved UW-Parkside mascot Ranger Bear was found dead on the side of Green Bay Road near the Speedway, down the road from the University of Wisconsin-Parkside campus. The cause for death is determined to be murder-the fifth bear-related-crime since Betsy Devos’ criticized grizzly bears as threats towards schools.
Ranger Bears sudden death shocked the community: “It doesn’t make sense,” said UW-Parkside student Chloe Nolapone, “Ranger Bear was doing so well. He just got back from the best road series the basketball team has ever had and was looking forward to celebrating our loss by only 10 points.” Since Devos’ comments on January 18th, this is the first celebrity-list bear murder, a growing trend in crime. “As a self-bought doctor, I understand the threats of wealthy people buying their way to power” said Dr. Staton, an unknown doctor. “Do you remember the Harambe joke? That’s what’s going to happen. First they’ll kill their enemies, then they’ll convince the public to joke about it. They can buy their way into power, they can buy the public’s opinion”
Dr. Stanton’s fears are not unfounded since UW-Parkside students in support of Devos have began putting bear-skin rugs in their dorms as well as starting a petition on change.org to make the new UW-Parkside mascot a bald eagle. The murder, however, has still not been resolved.
When asked about progress in the investigation, Sargent Flouor said “It’s a terribly difficult matter to investigate and we have some suspects in mind. Yes, we did consider Betsy Devos as a suspect, but since she donated over two million dollars to our investigation we have become convinced that someone with that kind of a heart could never kill anyone in cold blood. Devos is expected to announce her replacement to common core next week, rumored to be called Kindness Is Loving the Lord, Anyone who Leaves will Lose, Believe in Education and Action, Repent Sin! otherwise known as K.I.L.L.A.L.L B.E.A.R.S.
“The Bearly News” is not real news. In fact, you could say it is unreal news. Really, it is real unreal news.